This week's frontpage quest is about your favorite player and I have no doubts, some old fellas are gonna tell you their favorite stories about times long forgotten, they'll call it the "good, old times" perhaps. You know the times of forced marriages, slavery, racial inequalities, smallpox and tooth extraction without anesthesia (which might be the reason Jack Lambert never went to one). These times. They will tell you about times, when football lead to deaths in the 50s because their brains were malfunctioning from all the concussions, but they nevertheless wrestled with each other to our entertainment, and heck, maybe I would do that, too, if I had your wrinkles.
But I'm not gonna go back that far. Because I can't. Some of you know the story of how I became a Steelers fan, most of you probably don't. So here's the short version: My brother (a diehard Seahawks fan) showed me this awesome sport that I always knew existed, but previously didn't pay any attention to. The first two games I watched were both Steelers vs. Bengals - and honestly, who would chose the mistake without a lake? ... yeah... thought so. This was autumn 2015. I followed up by some deep search about the business side of things and found out that the Steelers were a stable, honest and calm franchise, that builds through the draft, and that hit right home with me. And now we're here - only 7 years later and I am still hyped about this interesting, complex and sometimes infuriating but always entertaining and thrilling sport.
With Large Benjamin's reign in the history books and Stephon Tuitts retirement there are only two players remaining from the roster that season and my favorite player (most of you probably already guessed it by the title) just joined the Steelers universe a few weeks before I did. The other one is obviously Cam Heyward, who is also a cool dude that I really love but is not the topic of this post today.
Of course I'm talking about The Wizard of Boz. The Bozgod. All is well, that's Bos well. Boston without the overweight. Short, but long: Christopher Lynn Boswell. Short but short: Chris Boswell. The Steelers placekicker that replaced the one who shall not be named.
So after a very long and tiring and completely pointless introduction let me continue with it, please, before I get to the juicy parts (aka. reasons) of this Fan Post somewhere downtown.
Most of you reading this are probably men (since men are usually the majority of users on sports related websites (and no, Instagram workout pictures are NOT sports related websites.)) and most of you probably know what other men look for in women. (It's usually about the hills and valleys) But do you know what women look for in men? Well, I won't tell you what others are looking for (side note: please pay attention to finger nails, ugly long fingernails are very disturbing (bassists and guitarists are exempted(they get all the girls anyway and don't need to))), but I can tell you what I personally look for in a favorite player competition on a football Fan Post website. (No, that's not a very specific circumstance, I frequently run into this scenario at least twice a day!) And that would be: Legs.
I mean, look at it: https://taari.de/Boswell%20Rabona.png
Who else could fail a rabona kick with such a stylish, unphased "Whoopsie" and remain as cool as the Bozgod? Maybe Justin Tucker, who can really sing and damn... why is this ratbird always trying to one-up my Steeler boy? The point is, Boswell looked cool when he failed, and there are few people on earth, who can say that about themselves. And look at his tight thighs. (I only did this sentence, because I never had the chance before to write these two terribly mouth-wrenching words for a german next to each other. Try "Eichhörnchenschwanz" now! I wait 5 seconds... ... ... ... yeah, not so easy, huh? (It means squirrel tail by the way. )
Next picture: https://taari.de/Boswell%20beard.png
Another cool look. And a cool beard. But mainly the cool look. Man, he looks so badass and carefree, as if he doesn't have to throw passes and do other football related stuff.
And the last picture for this article: https://taari.de/Boswell%20smile%20donkey.png
I mean, this smile is all too familiar with me. It's when you're on a agriculture fair and you brought your own little donkey to a donkey competition when this stupid little f.... animal just wet-farts some people behind them while the jury pays attention and all you can do is sink into the ground and close your eyes because fecal matters have hit the rotary air impeller (and some people behind the donkey's back, but without the metaphor). But no. Boswell got the jury already, when he stepped onto the stage. His Bozdonk can dork however he pleases, because he knows he doesn't need the jury to judge the value of his life. He is a grown ass
woman who doesn't need no donkey competition judges telling him jack (donkey) poop.
I've digressed a little bit and want to apologize. Things have never happened that way, I didn't ever own a donkey. I did however get cheated in a chess tournament I should've won (or at least came 2nd) in my age class but someone reported a victory for me as a tie to the judges and robbed me of half a point which got me back to rank 4 (whole tournament had like 110 participants). This has nothing to do with Chris Boswell though, although I think he would've kicked some ass there, too.
Now for some other reasons I like him:
- He is the player with the birthday closest to my birthday.
- He is the players whose pale basement skin color is closest to mine.
- He has the same first name as my best friend.
- His second name "Lynn" is a name of one of my pen & paper characters I frequently play. Out of all my characters, Lynn is the one with the least amount of brain activity, but that has nothing to do with Boswell.
- 9 is one digit of the number 19 and 19 is the number that follows me in my whole freaking life, every time I get a number on a card, a club, ticket, whatever, somehow 19 is always in there. Back when I played football (the thing you play with your feet, you know?) in a club, my number was also 19. The other digit is 1 and Boz is my personal number 1.
- He has scored the 3rd most points in Steelers history already (https://www.pro-football-reference.com/teams/pit/career-scoring.htm
- He is not Justin Tucker
- He is so good, even the Chargers would make game winning field goals if he was their kicker.
- He was friends with awesome guy Jordan Berry (miss you, buddy, thicc kicc is nothing compared to you!)
- He played at the same time Landry Jones and Fitzgerald Toussaint were on the Steelers roster.
- He has thrown a touchdown on 50% of his career passes.
Nobody... and I mean nobody can top that. Not even a duck calling champion. I have no jersey or other fan article of the Steelers (or football in general) yet, but if I would buy a jersey, Boswell would be my choice. Maybe I do that now that I have hyped myself to the extreme. Maybe you should do that too, and suddenly he is in the top10 jersey sales rankings and the whole NFL media is asking themselves "Why?" - but we know. We know why.
Thank you for reading.