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A Steelers jersey buyer’s dream mock draft

A swag-based evaluation process.

2022 NFL Draft - Rounds 4-7 Photo by David Becker/Getty Images

I don’t believe in mock drafts, but I do believe in buying new Steelers jerseys. I’ve never purchased a rookie’s jersey before, but if did, it would probably be because of a great name. Therefore I present to you an all-jersey Pittsburgh Steelers mock draft.

Round 1: Peter Skoronski (OT-Northwestern)

Few things scream Pittsburgh Steelers like a good Yinzer name. A Yinzer name can be Slavic, Hungarian or Italian, basically, anything that sounds like your Great-Granddaddy was a second wave American immigrant. Skoronski may not quite measure up to past Yinzer names like Matakevich or Chickillo, but neither of those guys were day 1 starters.

best yinzer name available

Round 2: Kelee Ringo (CB-Georgia)

The only fan base more prolific than the Steelers is The Beatles. Kelee Ringo gives fans the opportunity to find synergy between the two. James Harrison allowed fans to celebrate the quiet one. Kelee would let us celebrate the funny one.

the new fab four

Round 3: Jordan Battle (SS-Alabama)

Just a tough name and a tough-looking jersey to wear, especially in a hostile away environment. If you think jersey choice doesn’t matter when attending an away game, let me tell you about the time I wore William Gay to Giants Stadium in 2007.

jordan ‘go-to’ battle

Round 4: Carrington Valentine (DB-Kentucky)

Finally a jersey that’s suitable for date night. Plus, the person Carri admires most is his mom, so this jersey could double for Mother’s Day too.

carrington ‘be my’ valentine

Round 5: Brenton Strange (TE-Penn State)

Whether you’re a fan of the MCU or just a loner who marches to their own drum, Brenton Strange is the jersey for you.

‘doctor’ strange

Round 6: Scott Matlock (DT-Boise St)

This is strictly for the Boomers and Gen Xers. If you owned a TV from ‘86-’95, you’ve followed at least one adventure of searsuckered attorney Ben Matlock. If you hear the Dixieland jazz of the theme song as you read this sentence, this is your jersey.

scott ‘benjamin’ matlock

Round 7: Henry To’o To’o (LB-Alabama)

It’s pronounced TOE-oh TOE-oh, but it looks TOO-uh COOL-uh. With a name like To’o To’o, he’d have to wear 22. I’d allow Najee to switch to a single digit, heck, maybe even #1. And since Henry and Najee are both from the bay, I think he’d be accommodating.

say it twice

Kyle Chrise is the host of the SCN podcast “What Yinz Talkin’ Bout.” New episodes are released every Thursday.