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Forrest Gump on Steelers' Week 2 win over the Browns

A wax figure of actor Tom Hanks is displayed at Madame Tussauds on January 6, 2014 in Hollywood, California. - Photo by David Livingston/Getty Images

Mr. Gump, what did you think of the game last night?

Forrest Gump: Stupid is as stupid does. I'm not a smart man, but I’m smarter than Matt Canada and Terrell Austin put together. Is Wallace our best cover corner? Should he be one-on-one on their best receiver in critical moments? Or should he and the rest of the rest of the secondary drop back into deep-cover-none-pray-for-Watt? Are those the only two options? Did anyone teach Kenny how to check in or out of a run yet? Can we have that class today? Do we have to tell them ahead of time before we run the Jet Sweep? I’m all for good sportsmanship but this is over the top. Mama always said… Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you are gonna get - offensive football play calling should be like that sometimes.

We can be so predictable in our play calling yet unpredictable in our production. Najee looks slow hitting the hole but then gets a chunk play. Warren provides a spark then misses a critical blitz pick up. Kenny missed on quick slants then on a third read with a man in his face hits Pickens for 71 yards. New ILBs thumping in the hole and racking up TFLs then miss tackles and pay dearly.

Mr. Gump, they won the game, surely that has to mean something?

Forrest Gump: "Mama always said, ‘dying was a part of life.’ I sure wish it wasn't. Coach T said he wanted to get back to Steelers Football. Well he did. We looked amazing then horrible… we were winning then we weren’t… I nearly die every time I watch this team that I live for. This is Steelers Football. You live and die and die and live. The highs and lows are not healthy for me. Also why did ESPN offer me both games at the same time? If I wanted to watch that college game I would have watched it. They made my 55in TV a 35in and for who for what? Also, Payton and Eli would have done better than Aikman and Buck - but I get they needed a rest after last weeks MNF. I will say, though, it was very nice to hear how classy our fans were last night and to hear Mr. Buck acknowledge that. Proud moment on an otherwise horrible situation. I hope he will be running out of his braces like I did very soon."

"Jenny and I watched the game together and she kept asking for Jaylen Warren and Josh Dobbs to play more. I had to tell her we don’t have Josh Dobbs anymore and then she got mad at me because we got rid of a starter and now have all back-ups. I didn’t agree with her but she’s entitled to her opinion. She also thought Warren was faster and moved the ball closer to the yellow line thingy. She wasn’t wrong there. She thinks I should trust Tomlin when he challenges a call but I don’t (trust him). Then she said ‘Told you’ when he finally got one right." My momma never said anything about blind squirrels but if she did she would say how even they find a nut once in a while. I love Coach T as much as I loved Lt. Dan. The red flags are his biggest red flag - OC loyalty is second. Loyality to a fault, though noble, is still a fault. Mama would have said that.

Mr Gump, I understand you and Bubba were crushed after last week’s game. And I heard, you were very distraught to hear about two key players going on IR. Does it feel somewhat better now after yesterday’s victory?

Forrest Gump: "My Mama always said ‘you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on’. She also said ‘next man up’ when Jenny left once. I didn’t like that. But It was so refreshing to see the rookies play and play well. I knew they would. I also really love that new punter. The Khan Man keeps pulling all the right strings. Where did he find him?"

Mr. Gump, that was Pressley Harvin. He’s been on the team. But one more question before you run. What can you say about Highsmith and Watt?

Forrest Gump: "Alonzo and TJ goes together like peas and carrots. We can win any game with those two - any game. I saw them on the sidelines watching and I almost called Mr. Rooney myself to get them back out there cause we needed to score more points. I believe we just played the two best offensive lines on our schedule. So I feel really good about our ability to mask a Wallace, er weak secondary with our fierce pass rush."

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