Jesus on the Steelers’ Week 3

I had the extreme fortune of being in Sin City for last night’s game. Part for cleansing and part for a deep theological dive into. week 3, I tracked down the big J.C. and asked him for his perspective on the game.

Jesus, we know your Father is a big Steeler fan or the streets of heaven would not be paved with Gold. From your vantage point in the Eschaton, what did you think of last night’s game?

J.C.: Woe to you who are fat, sassy and spoiled; but you were fed well in Vegas, you were so sassy with nearly 80% Steeler fans at an away game, and you were extremely spoiled by zero Jet Sweeps, a punting spectacular, another 70+ yard TD pass, and first place in the division after week 3. Stop sinning or something worse will happen to you!

Thank you. You are right. We are blessed. And wow we ARE in first place. That 53.8 yard punting average on 6 punts was amazing. Seeing those bombs in person helped me understand what your Father, Omar, and Coach T see in that kid. Can you shed some of your light on how the other young players played last night?

J.C.: Good trees bear good fruit and bad trees bear bad fruit. Joey Porter trees bear both. JPJ is a good kid and a bad man of a football player! It was like oil running down Arron’s beard when I saw him matched up on Adams. The other youths played mostly well. Kenny’s pass to Calvin Austin was far better than his pass to Marcus Peters. Calvin can run very fast. Benton’s swim move and swan dive onto Jimmy G was brilliant and well timed.

Jesus what can you say that hasn’t already been said about TJ Watt?

J.C.: It’s not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick. TJ Watt needs a doctor. In (all) the years, I can think of only a few who hath caused so much carnage. He’s on pace for 34 sacks this season. He’s sick!

Yeah he’s fun to watch. Jesus, can you give me an idea about how the rest of the season will go?

J.C.: Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. If I would have told you Heyward and Johnson would be on IR but you will be 2-1 you would not have believed me. If I tell you now that Joe Borrow is the weakest QB in the Division and Justin Tucker misses field goals your ears will not hear because you are the most negative fan of the most negative fan base in the NFL. You who chant Fire Canada in my name know this: In my Father’s House are many rooms. We’ve locked the Jet Sweep in one. I’m going there to prepare your 7th Lombardi. If it were not so I would not have told you.

Oh wow… Stairway to Seven! Jesus before you go, playing the Raiders always brings me back to Franco’s catch. Please give him a first bump from me. And, be honest, which was better the Immaculate Reception or the Immaculate Conception?

J.C.: It is better to give than receive.

Fair point.

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