Disclaimer: I've never written about professional dancing before, or danced, except that time I struggled through ballroom dancing in college. It was a horrible, horrible experience. I was so bad I got stuck dancing with the 4'11", 80-year-old female instructor with hands that felt like leather.
Whether you watch Dancing with the Stars, or are reading this because you are so desperate for Steelers-related coverage that you'll click on anything Steelers-related, BTSC has the in-depth analysis you need to kill some time and feel connected to the NFL's best wide receiver, Antonio Brown of the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Here's what I saw in non-technical, layman's language:
Billed as Latin Night, the show opened with a dance number that was inexplicably choreographed to a song entirely in English. We were treated to a few second of bikini-clad dancing that seemed like something straight off of a cruise ship. I've never been on a cruise, but I imagine the entertainment to be similar to what I just witnessed.
Erin Andrews assured us it would be a "sizzling night of competition." The lighting and fog machine certainly seemed to add an air of excitement and mystery to the sizzlingness. The competitors came out with their partners. I caught a glimpse of spade-bit-headed Antonio Brown and a Steve Urkel-esque Von Miller. At this point, I was tempted to change channels, but then I realized this is the only way I can see Brown and Miller competing since the NFL offseason is so darn long.
Jody Sweetin danced first in some sort of body armor adorned with Christmas tinsel. Her partner wasn't wearing a shirt. Somewhere at home, Le'Veon Bell was thinking, "My abs are way better than that." Most people couldn't think that without being delusional, but Bell certainly could.
Sweetin averaged a score of 7.
Marla Maples, a Donald Trump ex-wife, danced second. Her outfit was missing pants. Most of the dance consisted of Maples bending and straightening her legs and getting carried around by her partner. She still earned two 7's and a 6.
Geraldo (yes, that Geraldo) did a Donald Trump impersonation dance for his number. It was so uncomfortable to watch that I almost resigned as Dancing with the Stars Analyst for BTSC. Geraldo doesn't move his legs when he dances. It made me wonder if it was a cardboard cut out of Geraldo with a Donald Trump wig on. Somehow he still earned 4's and 5's.
Mark Ballas ended up with a back injury during practice, so a professional filled in for him. That was unfortunate, because the two professionals made the non-pros look even more inept in comparison. Somehow, though, we were supposed to be impressed that a professional dancer who filled in at the last minute was able to learn and execute the dance.
This was the dance version of Ben Roethlisberger filling in for, say, the starting quarterback at Hicksville High and Friday-night fans being impressed he could play in the game without studying up on the game plan and practicing with the team. Absurd.
EDIT: Strike that-- Not so absurd because Mark Ballas was the professional and Paige Vazant was the non-professiona, a UFC fighter who is more impervious to injury than her pro-partner. They paid more attention to the injured pro-dancer than the amateur dancer, and pro-fighter, Paige, that it was not readily apparent to the untrained eye that Paige was the Antonio Brown of the pairing.
Antonio Brown wore some awkwardly low-crotched, grey pants and an open purple shirt. During the pre-performance behind-the-scenes clip, Brown seemed a bit uncomfortable with the level of intimacy that his Latin dance would require, so it was no surprise that he seemed a little bit nervous and awkward during his Rhumba routine.
His song was slow, and once again did not allow for any freestyling, which competitor Von Miller enjoyed last week. Seemed a bit unfair to me. He did a great job with his arm flings and backstroke-like maneuvers across the stage, though one of the judges insinuated that he was not as fluid as he could have been. For the second week in a row, he was criticized for not having a strong enough frame. In my own non-professional opinion, he needs to box out a bit more while maintaining fluidity and litheness.
Another highlight was a clip of Cameron Heyward applauding.
It also seemed that Brown is not allowed to do lifts, which should come as a relief to Steelers fans, especially given Mark Ballas' fate.
Brown ended up with 19 points: Two 6's and a 7. He was robbed.
As much as I wanted to stay tuned to analyze and commentate Von Miller's performance, I will have to build up to watching a full episode of DTWS. It is a two hour show that you can catch next week on ABC at 7 p.m. EDT. Or, you can save yourself the trouble and read a recap here on BTSC.
Below are some clips of the second installment, if you missed it:
Antonio and Sharna getting to know one another:
Antonio and Sharna learning to dance closely:
The start of their dance:
The end of their Rumba:
Judges criticize AB:
AB's weekly scores: