Week 3 was more like it, as I went 13-3. Through two weeks of predictions (none for Week 1), I'm 19-16. With my head now above water, here are my "Totally Wrong or Your Money Back" Picks for Week 4.
Note: All times Eastern.
Ravens @ Steelers (Thursday, 8:25 p.m.)
Score: 17-13 Steelers
Stupid Prediction: With no Ben Roethlisberger, Maurkice Pouncey, Martavis Bryant, Troy Polamalu, Ike Taylor, Terrell Suggs, Haloti Ngata, Jacoby Jones or Torrey Smith, fans begin to wonder if they are watching a college game between the University of Iowa and Northwestern. Ninety-seven percent of them are further convinced after watching Baltimore's attempt to play NFL-caliber defense.
Jets @ Dolphins (Sunday, 9:30 a.m.) Wembly Stadium, London, England
Score: 28.22-23.24 Jets (that's 17-14 using the Imperial points scale)
Stupid Prediction: British NFL fans riot when they realize the NFL keeps outsourcing to London the games no American wants to see.
Jaguars @ Colts (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)
Score: 19-13 Colts
Stupid Prediction: Andrew Luck realizes that he can be horrible for an entire game and still win, because of Jacksonville.
Giants @ Bills (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)
Score: 27-17 Bills
Stupid Prediction: To taunt Eli Manning and the Giants, Bills head coach Rex Ryan insists that the Bills' official stadium store sell Grumpy-Cat-meme themed memorabilia. Manning fails to get the joke.
Panthers @ Buccaneers (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)
Score: 21-18 Panthers
Stupid Prediction: Cam Newton tries to ride the Pirate Ship, but Ed Hochuli tells him he's not old enough. Or, he might have told him there's no running on the ride. It's hard to tell from the video.
Eagles @ Redskins (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)
Score: 28-19 Redskins
Stupid Prediction: Upon seeing how successful Ryan Mathews was in Week 3, Chip Kelly immediately names DeMarco Murray as the starter for the rest of the year and trades Matthews for a nickel and a bag of chips.
Raiders @ Bears (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)
Score: 20-9 Raiders
Stupid Prediction: The Chicago Police Department posts a nationwide All-Points Bulletin when it's reported that "Professional Football" was last seen in the city in 2012.
Texans @ Falcons (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)
Score: 34-19 Falcons
Stupid Prediction: Las Vegas begins taking bets on which will be higher at the end of the season, the combined quarterback ratings of Ryan Mallett and Brian Hoyer, or J.J. Watt's sack total.
Chiefs @ Bengals (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)
Score: 27-12 Bengals
Stupid Prediction: Six days later, fans begin lamenting that it's now been one game since the Chiefs had a wide receiver catch a touchdown pass.
Browns @ Chargers (Sunday, 4:05 p.m.)
Score: 6-3 Capulets
Stupid Prediction: An unspecified sporting event allegedly occurs between "Can't Win" and "Stopped Trying".
Fans Witnesses are unable to corroborate, with many demanding a refund after buying tickets for a football game and, instead, arriving to what vaguely resembles a Shakespearean tragedy.
Packers @ 49ers (Sunday, 4:25 p.m.)
Score: 42-6 Packers
Stupid Prediction: Two weeks, and Antonio Brown and Larry Fitzgerald, later, the 49ers' secondary simply look at Aaron Rodgers, walk to the line of scrimmage, and keep on walking to the nearest bar.
Rams @ Cardinals (Sunday, 4:25 p.m.)
Score: 30-13 Cardinals
Stupid Prediction: Carson Palmer learns the hard way that defense is still played in the NFL -- by being held to under 31 points.
Vikings @ Broncos (Sunday, 4:25 p.m.)
Score: 20-16 Broncos
Stupid Prediction: In an effort to further protect Peyton Manning, the Broncos begin running all plays from punt formation.
Cowboys @ Saints (Sunday, 8:30 p.m.)
Score: 7-7 Tie
Stupid Prediction: If Drew Brees is unable to play on Sunday, I'll make the sneaky prediction that a backup quarterback will win. They will then proceed to thwart the seemingly unthwartable prediction by tying.
Lions @ Seahawks (Monday, 8:30 p.m.)
Score: 17-3 Seahawks
Stupid Prediction: Kam Chancellor creates a diversion by pretending to renew his holdout; meanwhile, while no one is watching, Richard Sherman throws a deep pass to himself on the other side of the field for the winning points. Then the second quarter starts.