An Idiot's Guide to Week 7 in the NFL

I was just 6-8 last week. I had to come back to Earth eventually. That leaves me 48-31 for the season, though, which is good for .608 "winning" percentage.

On to this week, though, and I have just one thought: I feel bad for just about anyone in a suicide league this week.

If ever there was a week packed with hard-to-pick matchups, this is the one. There's not a single game -- not one -- that doesn't present at least one solid reason to pick even the worst of underdogs. Patriots and Jets? It's a division game and the Jets have allowed the fewest points in the league. The closest thing to a sure bet this week is the Cardinals over the Ravens -- and, as a Steelers fan, I know the worst time to pick against the Ravens is when they are backed into a corner. Plus, the Steelers just held the high-flying Cardinals to 13 points, despite missing four starters on defense.

Get the Rolaids ready.

Note: All times Eastern.

Ten Random Thoughts

Steelers @ Chiefs (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 23-9 Steelers

Now, back to Bizzaro World: Landry Jones is the likely starter. In my wildest dreams, I seriously thought I'd be a thousand times more likely to ask Abraham Lincoln if he would kindly pass the salted koala shanks than to be excited that Jones would have a chance to start a game for the Steelers.

Seahawks @ 49ers (Thursday, 8:30 p.m.)

Score: 21-20 49ers

Tighter than a gnat's...um...jeans: The Seahawks have blown fourth-quarter leads in five of their last seven games going back to last season. The 49ers -- and Colin Kaepernick in particular -- have looked at least so-so the last two weeks. Seattle is, by far, the better paper team, but this game is going to be a tough call -- especially in San Francisco Santa Clara.

Bills @ Jaguars (Sunday, 9:30 a.m.) Wembley Stadium, London, England

Score: 33-17 Bills

A revolt in the making?: Seriously, at what point do U.K. football fans finally decide they are tired of watching games that would probably not be seen in a single market if not for the lifting of blackout rules last year? The last time there was a good American-Rules football game in Europe, the Rhein Fire were still a thing.

Saints @ Colts (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 24-21 Colts

Stupid Prediction: Indianapolis lines up for a punt -- then suddenly, they break into a Rockettes-style kick line. No one from New Orleans is fooled, and coach Chuck Pagano is tackled behind the line of scrimmage. By Andrew Luck.

Browns @ Rams (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 19-13 Browns

From embarrassing to mediocre -- it's an improvement!: For the last several years, it wasn't odd to find these two teams playing at a remarkably similar level. It is crazy to think, however, that these two would have entered week seven having already beaten two of the last three Super Bowl winners (Baltimore, Seattle) and a previously-undefeated Cardinals team this year.

Falcons @ Titans (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 28-10 Falcons

This weeks picks might give me PTSD: If not for the fact that the Falcons just lost to a pretty doggone bad New Orleans team, I'd call this one the biggest slam-dunk game of the week. But, they did lose, and it's in Tennessee. Of course, Atlanta will have had ten days to work out the kinks. But they have some clear holes. See? Even this game has enough iffy elements to doubt it, at least a little. I'm calling a blowout, but I don't feel good about it.

Raiders @ Chargers (Sunday, 4:05 p.m.)

Score: 31-27 Raiders

If wins grew on trees, Philip Rivers' orchard would develop a massive blight: Rivers is on pace to throw for 5,643 yards this season. He's also on pace to win five games. I'm not sure, but I think throwing for almost 1,130 yards per win has got to be a new record of some sort -- not to mention, a newly discovered circle of Hell.

Cowboys @ Giants (Sunday, 4:25 p.m.)

Score: 17-10 Giants

There will be blood...or at least bad passing: Listen, the Cowboys could have three Dez Bryants, and it wouldn't make a difference when you have Brandon Weeden and Matt Cassel throwing your passes. For as good as Bryant is, receivers aren't what is missing in Big D right now. Then again, they are playing the Giants, and Bad Eli is back in town.

Eagles @ Panthers (Sunday, 8:30 p.m.)

Score: 23-19 Panthers

Next week, Chip Kelly sings "I've been Saban all my love for U(SC)": Despite a recent winning streak, why do I still get the feeling that Eagles fans became giddy at the mere idea of head coach Chip Kelly taking the now-vacant coaching job at USC, and aren't ready to take him at his word when he says he's staying put?

Ravens @ Cardinals (Monday, 8:30 p.m.)

Score: 27-21 Cardinals

L: I really believe what I said in the intro, above. But come on: a royally pissed-off Carson Palmer against a secondary with more holes than a shrimp net? In Arizona? Yeah, I think Baltimore can win at any time. But I sure as heck don't think they will.

All The Rest

Vikings @ Lions (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 20-16 Vikings

Texans @ Dolphins (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 31-16 Dolphins

Jets @ Patriots (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 24-13 Patriots

Buccaneers @ Redskins (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 16-13 Buccaneers