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An Idiot's Guide to Week 5 in the NFL

"Stupid Predictions" has evolved into "An Idiot's Guide" going forward. It's like "Football for Dummies", except the author is the dumb one.

Doug Free plays with his toy quarterback during a TV timeout
Doug Free plays with his toy quarterback during a TV timeout
Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Well, 11-5 for Week 4 ain't too bad. That's 30-21 on the season and a good place to be going into the second quarter of the schedule.

We're doing things a little differently from here on. It's not all stupid predictions -- don't worry, it's still stupid. They just won't all be predictions. Stupidity is always guaranteed.

We start with 10 points of interest and then I throw darts to figure out the scores in the rest of the games.

Note: All times Eastern.

Ten Random Thoughts

Steelers @ Chargers (Monday, 8:30 p.m.)

Score: 24-20 Steelers

Let's Get Ready to Bumble!: The Steelers just lost to a bad Baltimore team. The Chargers just squeaked by Cleveland, which has been playing like its typical, dumpster-fire self. The likely result is a very bad Monday Night Football game. The silver lining: Pittsburgh is this bad without its starting quarterback, center and inside linebacker, while San Diego is putting pretty much its best foot forward right now.

Browns @ Ravens (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 20-17 Browns

Just Don't Suck: The win over an injury-plagued Steelers team notwithstanding, the Ravens are an awful team. The winner of this game will be the team that manages to be less awful.

Bears @ Chiefs (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 19-10 Chiefs

Baby Steps: At this point in a season, most teams are trying to string together multiple wins. The Bears are trying to string together multiple plays without doing something stupid.

Saints @ Eagles (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 23-16 Eagles

Just Sayin', Coach: Note to Chip Kelly -- the Saints needed overtime to beat Brandon-Freakin'-Weeden. If you manage to lose to them with a former No. 1 draft pick at quarterback, plus Ryan Matthews, DeMarco Murray and Darren Sproles as your runners, you probably shouldn't show up at the office Monday. Or any day thereafter.

Jaguars @ Buccaneers (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: "No One Knows" to "No One Cares"

Stupid Prediction: Thirty-four people outside of the state of Florida tune in for this game -- which is 31 more than are watching from within the state.

Bills @ Titans (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 31-21 Bills

Ripley Would Be Proud: In his two victories this season, Tyrod Taylor has not been intercepted or sacked. In his two losses, he has thrown four interceptions and been sacked a staggering ten times.

Cardinals @ Lions (Sunday, 4:05 p.m.)

Score: 20-14 Cardinals

Is That a Fact?: The Lions are averaging 48 yards on the ground each week. The last time a team averaged fewer than 50 yards rushing per game through the first quarter of a season, a) unicorns still existed outside North Korea; b) the first dinosaur was still just a prototype; and c) the Browns didn't suck. Okay, I lied about the last one.

Patriots @ Cowboys (Sunday, 4:25 p.m.)

Score: 37-20 Patriots

Stupid Prediction: Defying all natural laws, Brandon Weeden finds 13 new ways to not score points in the second half.

Broncos @ Raiders (Sunday, 4:25 p.m.)

Score: 24-21 Raiders

Running With Scissors: The Broncos named Ronnie Hillman and C.J. Anderson co-starters -- because it really matters who starts when you average 78 yards rushing per game.

49ers @ Giants (Sunday, 8:30 p.m.)

Score: 34-16 Giants

Safe at Fifth Base: Don't worry, Eli. This lead is going to be idiot-proof by the 20-minute mark. Yes, even you can hold on for a double-digit win.

All The Rest

Colts @ Texans (Thursday, 8:25 p.m.)

Score: 12-10 Colts

Redskins @ Falcons (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 28-17 Falcons

Seahawks @ Bengals (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 20-17 Bengals

Rams @ Packers (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 34-18 Packers