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Top Secret drone programs across the NFL: A look at how all 32 teams use advanced technology

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The Patriots aren't the only ones with a drone program. Since it was unfair to single them out, Mike Frazer and Dani Bostick will take a look at drone initiatives across the entire NFL. THIS IS SATIRE (just in case it isn't clear), but feel free to feign outrage and generate buzz on Twitter.

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Buffalo Bills- Remove snow from field before games. Beginning in August.

Miami Dolphins- Provide simulcast mixed martial arts pay-per-view coverage for when Ndamukong Suh is on the field.

New England Patriots- Deliver Roger Goodell's secret love notes to Robert Kraft.

New York Jets- Fend off Willie Colon and the rest of the offensive line if they turn on Geno Smith when he fails to deliver.

Baltimore Ravens- Drop stuffed animals onto the sidelines to comfort Coach John Harbaugh when he starts whining and continually monitor Joe Flacco's unibrow for proper thickness.

Cincinnati Bengals- Hypnotically suggest to Andy Dalton that games played after week 17 are still "part of the regular season."

Cleveland Browns- Activate Johnny Manziel's anti-idiocy shock collar.

Pittsburgh Steelers- Polish all six Lombardi trophies, every hour, on the hour.

Houston Texans- Provide in-game delivery of Brian Cushing's PEDs.

Indianapolis Colts- Broadcast vulgar trash talk to make up for Andrew Luck's supportive comments to the opposition.

Jacksonville Jaguars- Locate someone to hire to be their very first fan.

Tennessee Titans- Show 2014 rushing defense highlights on a continual loop.

Denver Broncos- Check Shane Ray's backyard for signs of a marijuana field.

Kansas City Chiefs- Hover over open wide receivers so Alex Smith can find them.

Oakland Raiders- Film Sebastian Janikowski if he ever needs to attempt a field goal from the parking lot.

San Diego Chargers- Send Phillip Rivers to the corner each time he throws a tantrum.

Dallas Cowboys- Make sure players aren't wreaking havoc and committing crimes around town.

New York Giants- Remotely monitor Tom Coughlin's blood pressure and provide real-time feedback to Eli Manning on his pissed-off facial expressions.

Philadelphia Eagles- Stand by with pre-sized knee brace, waiting for the inevitable Bradford injury.

Washington Redskins- Beam holographic images of Joe Theismann, Art Monk, and Darrell Green onto the field as a reminder of the glory days.

Chicago Bears- Hold a "THIS WAY JAY" sign above the end zone so Cutler knows which way to throw.

Detroit Lions- Randomly shoot at the field during road games so the Lions' players can feel at home.

Green Bay Packers- Shuttle cheese and brats to overweight fans during the exhausting, 400-foot walk from lot to gate.

Minnesota Vikings- Project Mike Wallace's route down onto the field so he can follow it with ease.

Atlanta Falcons- Broadcast nails-on-chalkboard or chewing sounds during the game at 140 decibels.

Carolina Panthers- Tow a superman dummy through the air after touchdowns so Cam Newton can spare fans his superhero pantomime.

New Orleans Saints- Discreetly deliver untraceable, cash bounty payments to players' lockers during the game to give coaches plausible deniability.

Arizona Cardinals- Zoom in on the hottest gentrified-hipster neighborhoods to find Bruce Arians' latest fashion trends.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Constantly threaten underperforming players with a week at Greg Schiano's house.

St. Louis Rams- Scout local backyard football games to find Nick Foles' inevitable mid-season replacement.

San Francisco 49ers- Hold defensive players hostage so they won't retire after their first season. (The only way to approach an NFL career is the Chris Conte way.)

Seattle Seahawks- Neutralize Pete Carroll if he is about to make a call similar to the one that cost him the Super Bowl.