Buffalo Bills- Remove snow from field before games. Beginning in August.
Miami Dolphins- Provide simulcast mixed martial arts pay-per-view coverage for when Ndamukong Suh is on the field.
New England Patriots- Deliver Roger Goodell's secret love notes to Robert Kraft.
Baltimore Ravens- Drop stuffed animals onto the sidelines to comfort Coach John Harbaugh when he starts whining and continually monitor Joe Flacco's unibrow for proper thickness.
Cincinnati Bengals- Hypnotically suggest to Andy Dalton that games played after week 17 are still "part of the regular season."
Cleveland Browns- Activate Johnny Manziel's anti-idiocy shock collar.
Pittsburgh Steelers- Polish all six Lombardi trophies, every hour, on the hour.
Houston Texans- Provide in-game delivery of Brian Cushing's PEDs.
Indianapolis Colts- Broadcast vulgar trash talk to make up for Andrew Luck's supportive comments to the opposition.
Jacksonville Jaguars- Locate someone to hire to be their very first fan.
Tennessee Titans- Show 2014 rushing defense highlights on a continual loop.
Denver Broncos- Check Shane Ray's backyard for signs of a marijuana field.
Kansas City Chiefs- Hover over open wide receivers so Alex Smith can find them.
Oakland Raiders- Film Sebastian Janikowski if he ever needs to attempt a field goal from the parking lot.
San Diego Chargers- Send Phillip Rivers to the corner each time he throws a tantrum.
Dallas Cowboys- Make sure players aren't wreaking havoc and committing crimes around town.
New York Giants- Remotely monitor Tom Coughlin's blood pressure and provide real-time feedback to Eli Manning on his pissed-off facial expressions.
Philadelphia Eagles- Stand by with pre-sized knee brace, waiting for the inevitable Bradford injury.
Washington Redskins- Beam holographic images of Joe Theismann, Art Monk, and Darrell Green onto the field as a reminder of the glory days.
Chicago Bears- Hold a "THIS WAY JAY" sign above the end zone so Cutler knows which way to throw.
Detroit Lions- Randomly shoot at the field during road games so the Lions' players can feel at home.
Green Bay Packers- Shuttle cheese and brats to overweight fans during the exhausting, 400-foot walk from lot to gate.
Minnesota Vikings- Project Mike Wallace's route down onto the field so he can follow it with ease.
Atlanta Falcons- Broadcast nails-on-chalkboard or chewing sounds during the game at 140 decibels.
Carolina Panthers- Tow a superman dummy through the air after touchdowns so Cam Newton can spare fans his superhero pantomime.
New Orleans Saints- Discreetly deliver untraceable, cash bounty payments to players' lockers during the game to give coaches plausible deniability.
Arizona Cardinals- Zoom in on the hottest gentrified-hipster neighborhoods to find Bruce Arians' latest fashion trends.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Constantly threaten underperforming players with a week at Greg Schiano's house.
St. Louis Rams- Scout local backyard football games to find Nick Foles' inevitable mid-season replacement.