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Stupid NFL Predictions - Week 2 Edition

The season has kicked off and so, too, have the Super Bowl aspirations of the Cleveland Browns and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but with a very different meaning. Now that we have at least a cursory feel for what each team brings to the table, here are some predictions for Week 2.

Ben Roethlisberger shows Steelers kicker Josh Scobee how much closer his foot needs to be to the ball for his next field goal attempt.
Ben Roethlisberger shows Steelers kicker Josh Scobee how much closer his foot needs to be to the ball for his next field goal attempt.
Mark L. Baer-USA TODAY Sports

Questionable off-season moves? Check.

Sign a washed-up, journeyman quarterback and call him your solid, veteran leader? Check.

Star player in trouble and suspended by the NFL? Check.

In some cities, that's known as a tragic way to start the NFL season. In Cleveland, it's called "Wednesday". And, since it's Wednesday, it's time for Stupid NFL Predictions, where the points are made up and the questions don't matter. Or something like that.

Note: All times Eastern.

49ers @ Steelers (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 31-17 Steelers

Stupid Prediction: While creating his lineup, 49ers head coach Jim Tomsula needs to consult to get the names of nine of his defensive starters.

Broncos @ Chiefs (Thursday, 8:25 p.m.)

Score: 23-13 Chiefs

Stupid Prediction: Peyton Manning's rapidly weakening arm literally turns into a noodle, right in the middle of a play -- I'm guessing linguine in vodka sauce -- and is eaten by Dontari Poe.

Texans @ Panthers (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 17-9 Panthers

Stupid Prediction: Bill O'Brien fails to find confidence in any of his available quarterbacks and offers the job to two gameday ushers, his elderly next-door neighbor, a box of paper clips and former Texas governor Rick Perry, who has a lot of time on his hands now that he has suspended his presidential campaign. No one takes the job. No one wants the job.

Buccaneers @ Saints (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 27-10 Saints

Stupid Prediction: Marcus Mariota will once again throw more touchdown passes in this game than Jameis Winston -- and Mariota isn't even playing in this game.

Lions @ Vikings (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 19-9 Lions

Stupid Prediction: By halftime, Teddy Bridgewater has been sacked for more yards than he has thrown for.

Cardinals @ Bears (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 31-24 Cardinals

Stupid Prediction: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell pays a surprise visit and, during pregame warmups, accidentally intercepts a Jay Cutler pass -- at which point Cutler will have been officially intercepted by every human being ever associated with the NFL.

Patriots @ Bills (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 20-16 Bills

Stupid Prediction: Delirious with emotion after beating Bill Belichick, Bills Head Coach Rex Ryan goes completely unhinged and says nothing rude, offensive, obnoxious or stupid in the post-game press conference.

Chargers @ Bengals (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 30-26 Chargers

Stupid Prediction: Immediately after scoring the go-ahead touchdown with mere seconds remaining, and before he can consciously stop himself, Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers proceeds to berate a helpless back judge for an allegedly bad call, completely out of muscle memory.

Titans @ Browns (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 77-3 Titans

Stupid Prediction: Marcus Mariota outdoes his rookie debut and throws for nine touchdowns in the first half after everyone associated with the Browns is arrested for public indecency. When pressed for details, authorities say the violations are related specifically to the quality of their play, as well as their uniforms.

Falcons @ Giants (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 23-21 Falcons

Stupid Prediction: Up by three points and unaware of how many timeouts the Falcons have left, Giants quarterback Eli Manning tells his entire offense to be careful not to score so they can run out the clock. With 9:47 left in the first quarter.

Rams @ Redskins (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 31-6 Rams

Stupid Prediction: Rumors break in the Washington press stating that Robert Griffin III's locker has been moved to the basement of the team headquarters, and that his red, Swingline stapler has gone missing. The stapler is later found in head coach Jay Gruden's car.

Dolphins @ Jaguars (Sunday, 4:05 p.m.)

Score: Double forfeit

Stupid Prediction: Because it's in Jacksonville, neither team even bothers showing up. No one knows until Tuesday, because no fans showed up, either.

Raiders @ Ravens (Sunday, 4:05 p.m.)

Score: 3-0 Ravens

Stupid Prediction: In a fit of desperation, injured Baltimore linebacker Terrell Suggs begs Ray Lewis to share his super-secret injury remedy. On the first snap, Suggs is amazingly on the field and looking as healthy as ever, but is suddenly mauled by 246 whitetail deer in early autumn rut. The herd of deer shuts down Interstate 395 for 97 minutes. Due to mutual offensive ineptitude, the game goes down as the most boring fair-weather sporting event in American history.

Cowboys @ Eagles (Sunday, 4:25 p.m.)

Score: 28-22 Cowboys

Stupid Prediction: Before the game, Chip Kelly tries to trade team owner Jeffrey Lurie, ostensibly because Lurie is not an Oregon alum.

Seahawks @ Packers (Sunday, 8:30 p.m.)

Score: 27-20 Packers

Stupid Prediction: Seeing the success they had with bringing back former player James Jones, the Packers go off the deep end and re-sign Brett Favre -- who immediately re-retires, only to re-emerge after halftime as the Seahawks' backup quarterback.

Jets @ Colts (Monday, 8:30 p.m.)

Score: 2-1 Colts

Stupid Prediction: With the game reaching a stalemate, the teams agree to settle the score by letting Ryan Fitzpatrick's and Andrew Luck's beards fight one another in a two-out-of-three falls Mongolian wrestling match.