clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Stupid NFL Predictions: Week 3 Edition

New, comments

Surprise, the Browns aren't this week's whipping boys. That title goes to the Bears, who had a chance to improve via "addition by subtraction" after quarterback Jay Cutler went down with an injury and promptly trotted out one of a handful of quarterbacks who would make the team long for Cutler on his worst day. How will they fare this week? Find out in the Week 3, Stupid NFL Predictions.

Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

Yours truly was 6-10 picking games last week. Mostly that's because I'm not trying but it's partly because picking winners in the first four weeks of an NFL season is an exercise in stupidity akin to trying to nail Jell-o to a wall or about as intelligent as the Stupid Prediction that goes along with each projected winner.

Note: All times Eastern.

Steelers @ Rams (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 37-20 Steelers

Stupid Prediction: Steelers kicker Josh Scobee misses the team flight to St. Louis, so he decides to drive instead -- but ends up in Fayetteville, Arkansas after badly missing St. Louis wide left.

Redskins @ Giants (Thursday, 8:25 p.m.)

Score: 27-24 Giants

Stupid Prediction: Eli Manning mysteriously disappears from the sidelines with four minutes left and his Giants up by three. With Manning nowhere to be found, the Giants hold on to win. Following the game, Manning is found unhurt, but gagged and hog-tied in owner John Mara's office.

Falcons @ Cowboys (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 31-10 Falcons

Stupid Prediction: Owner Jerry Jones stubs his toe on a training table while visiting Tony Romo and Dez Bryant, and is lost for the season. The Cowboys instantly improve.

Colts @ Titans (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 20-16 Colts

Stupid Prediction: Andrew Luck misses practice all week because he is arrested following his Week-2 loss to the Jets.  He is charged with fraud for impersonating every Cleveland quarterback from 1999 to 2013.

Raiders @ Browns (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 26-21 Raiders

Stupid Prediction: Elias Sports Bureau attempts to determine the last time Oakland and Cleveland played one another with both teams coming off a victory the preceding week. After three unsuccessful days, they begin trying to cross dimensions to see if perhaps this happened at any point in a parallel universe.

Bengals @ Ravens (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 28-16 Bengals

Stupid Prediction: Four teams have scored more times by field goal than by touchdown in 2015. Three of them are the Giants, the Bears and the Jaguars. The fourth is the Ravens. The teams have combined for one win in seven games. That number goes up by one this week -- and it's not gonna be the Ravens.

Jaguars @ Patriots (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 38-24 Patriots

Stupid Prediction: Jaguars' head coach Gus Bradley shocks the league by retiring, stating that he has "tasted success by leading the Jaguars to a .500 record for the first time since September 18, 2011." He continues, "I know the team will not reach this point again in my lifetime."

Saints @ Panthers (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 19-10 Panthers

Stupid Prediction: While being sacked late in the first quarter, the man believed to be Drew Brees is accidentally unmasked, revealing an aged Archie Manning, who is vainly attempting to avoid being the only Manning without a Lombardi trophy.

Eagles @ Jets (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 23-3 Jets

Stupid Prediction: Already unable to get positive yardage, DeMarco Murray violates 17 laws of physics and two federal statutes by finding a way to get negative carries.

Buccaneers @ Texans (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 24-10 Buccaneers

Stupid Prediction: Having already tried Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett, Bill O'Brien attempts to disguise Penn State's Christian Hackenberg as a professional quarterback. Hack is sacked 27 times, nets 14 total passing yards and describes the experience after the game as his "best outing this season." O'Brien is forced to admit that it's also the best a Texans quarterback has looked.

Chargers @ Vikings (Sunday, 1:00 p.m.)

Score: 31-17 Chargers

Stupid Prediction: Two months shy of 40 years ago, Hall-of-Famer Dan Fouts defeated Hall-of-Famer Fran Tarkenton in Minnesota. In 2055, no one remembers this game quite the same way.

49ers @ Cardinals (Sunday, 4:05 p.m.)

Score: 34-10 Cardinals

Stupid Prediction: San Francisco defensive backs are treated for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after facing Antonio Brown and Larry Fitzgerald in consecutive weeks.

Bills @ Dolphins (Sunday, 4:25 p.m.)

Score: 19-13 Bills

Stupid Prediction: Having reached the lowest of NFL lows by losing to the Jaguars in Week 2, and realizing his team's chances for victory are slightly lower than winning the Powerball lottery with the numbers 1-2-3-4-5-6 in order, head coach Joe Philbin opts to take his team to Miami Beach for a day of fun in the sun instead. Despite no opposition, Buffalo quarterback Tyrod Taylor still gets strip-sacked on consecutive downs.

Bears @ Seahawks (Sunday, 4:25 p.m.)

Score: 27-13 Seahawks

Stupid Prediction: Jimmy Clausen leads the Seahawks to a lopsided victory. Go ahead, read that prediction again. Carefully.

Broncos @ Lions (Sunday, 8:30 p.m.)

Score: 16-10 Broncos

Stupid Prediction: Fans attending the game and watching on television all begin wondering, midway through the second quarter, if the NFL has duped them. They collectively start believing they're watching Brock Osweiler and Dan Orlovsky, rather than the famed Peyton Manning and Matthew Stafford. When they all realize that they aren't, they begin sobbing on one another's shoulders.

Chiefs @ Packers (Monday 8:30 p.m.)

Score: 31-13 Packers

Stupid Prediction: Jamaal Charles loses control of a ball during Friday walk-throughs, which the Packers scoop up and return for a touchdown.