After the Miami Monstrosity, my black and gold mind is in a dark place. I feel like my brain is sitting at the Goth table in the high school cafeteria and you know that's not a bastion of positivity. So, I can't promise sunshine and unicorns. But join me nonetheless.
But before we commence, I feel compelled to apologize to those who I may have offended in last week's article.
With that being said, I'm sorry to...
* Overpriced fictional shirts.
* Ben Stein, for stealing his "Bueller" quote.
* Mentioning "Varsity Blues" but not referencing the whipped cream bikini.
* Old man returning angrily returning soup at a deli.
* The most annoying woman ever, Flo from Progressive.
* People that add "gate" to every single controversy.
* Stereotyping Australians and their love of kangaroos.
* Janis Joplin and Kris Kristoferson
Now on with the thoughts.
* I really hate the New England Patriots!
* For me, the game against Miami didn't necessarily end when Ben Roethlisberger went out temporarily with a knee injury. It ended when Lawrence Timmons emptied the contents of his stomach in the end zone of Hard Rock Stadium. It summed up how the fans felt. In fact, it inspired me to do the same. But what it really did was emphasize how physically unprepared the team was to face a hungry 1-4 squad. As for the "Law-Dog's" vomit, I doubt that that clip will make the next "Renegade" compilation of highlights.
* When you have (arguably) the best running back in the entire league, world and universe..I find it hard to believe that you would only run said running back only ten times. The Steelers have a recent history of running the wheels off of guys when they don't have to. But when they need somebody to step up and pound the ball, they virtually snub him. If you have a Ferrari/SUV, you ride it. If the Steelers run Le'Veon Bell on third and one with Landry Jones in the game, there actually might have been a different outcome.
* Ben Rothlisberger still has some good years left in him, but how many 16-gamers? It's time to draft an understudy high. It's kind of like the later years of the Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson. Towards the end, fans saw Johnny on a reduced-schedule. So, Freddy deCordova and the gang went out and groomed Jay Leno to assume the role as "King of Late Night." I wonder if Jay Leno can complete a third and one.
* Speaking of drafting a position high, the pass rush needs more help than a Dr. Phil patient at a Golden Corrall. But I'm not necessarily sure that the draft is quite enough. Spending on a pass rusher in free agency is not something that the Steelers ever do. But maybe it's time to go down a different avenue. This kind of stuff works in New England. Just saying.
* Mike Mitchell is becoming a marked man with officials. Now I don't think he's getting picked on, but I feel like he will never get the benefit of the doubt again due to his physicality and penchant for chippiness. Like James Harrison, Mitchell is on the minds of officials to keep an eye on and I wouldn't be surprised if both their names were being brought up before kickoff by the men in stripes.
* Speaking of guys to keep an eye on, Ndamukong Suh and Vontaze Burfict are the biggest douches this side of the Massengill/Summer's Eve aisle at your local Giant Eagle or Piggly Wiggly. Hate on Tom Brady or Gronk all you want, but these guys are savagely trying to debilitate opponents. The film of Suh kicking at Ben's knees and the double header of dick-tricks perpetrated by Burfict are the epitome of what Chuck Noll dubbed nearly forty-years ago as the criminal element of the NFL. The good thing is that Burfict's transgressions happened against New England, which means that it will probably get looked at a whole lot harder by the commissioner's office.
* On any given Sunday, any team has the ability to triumph over great odds and an unbeatable foe. But I'm not sure if this week is that particular given Sunday. I am going to be rooting for my team with every fiber of my being and I believe in their ability. But I've seen this movie before. It ends like "Seven" when Brad Pitt pulls Gwyneth's severed dome out of a box. If we are being real, I have a better chance of my wife agreeing to a threesome. Since pigs don't fly and it's always sunny in Hell, that ain't gonna happen. But if the planets align perfectly, miracles can actually happen. If so, then Landry Jones heroically leads the Steelers to victory and it's Ménage-a-trois mania at my house. I only hope that it's not with Landry Jones or a severed head.
* I really, really hate the Patriots!
* Darius Heyward-Bey is fast. I'm talking alimony-check cashing fast. DHB was recently clocked at 22 mph at a practice. That's faster than my grandfather used to drive. That's slow on wheels, but on legs it's terrific. Memo to Todd Haley: Get the ball to DHB more. The only problem is that No. 88 has hands like Featherstone of the Texas State Armadillos from the 1991 Scott Bakula classic, "Necessary Roughness". Every time the ball goes to DHB, I hear Robert Loggia in my head yelling, "Don't throw it to Stone Hands". Ironically, Featherstone was played by an actor named Duane Davis, son of NFL HOFer Willie Davis.
* For the record, I love the style of play of Tyler Matakevich. However, I don't want to see him too much right now. If "Dirty Red" is on the field at this juncture, then everybody is hurt. I do think that he is special though.
* Announcers, please quit comparing Jesse James to Heath Miller. As soon as they did that on Sunday, James was victimized on a block like a Milwaukee recluse wandering near Jeffrey Dahmer's house in the 1980s. I like "Double J" a lot, but he has miles to go to achieve "Miller Time".
* Speaking of Jesse James. Am I the only one who does my best Cher impression and wails the chorus of the diva's 1989 hit, "Just Like Jesse James", every time No. 81 makes a catch? No? Really? I guess my high school guidance counselor, all the girls in my junior high and my mailman were right...I am weird.
* Thinking about how much I hate the Patriots, I'm reminded of a quote by the brilliant Shelly Long as Diane Chambers to Sam Malone (a Patriots fan), "I hate you with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns".
* I don't really like to comment on other people's appearance because my mirror isn't too friendly to me these days, but Patriots Defensive Coordinator Matt Patricia looks like he just rolled out of a homeless shelter. Seriously.
* I wonder what Kevin (Prounounced Key-Vin) Henry is doing these days.
Until next time,
Never forget these words of wisdom from Joe Esposito from the Karate Kid Soundtrack, "You're the best around, nobody's ever going to keep you down."
Now go out and kick somebody in the face. Not literally.