My brain is easily pleased. So when the Steelers won their third in a row on Sunday, it became Mardi Gras in my mind. I celebrate everything. To me, breakfast and bowel movements warrant high fives. Needless to say, I have many a thought circling my thought center and you get to partake if you have a few brain cells of your own to spare.
But first, It has come to my attention that I may have offended a reader or a thousand in last week’s submission. For that, I feel it is my civic duty to apologize for my comments and to certain parties. So call me "Señor Sorry" and accept my invitation to my fiesta of forgiveness.
Regrets go out to and for the following:
- Billy Madison
- For insinuating that Steve Buscemi ever killed anybody. But c’mon...don’t ever sleep on crazy eyes.
- For completely misconstruing a plot of a “very special” episode of Full House.
- To my seven-year old daughter for denigrating the show that she thinks is comic gold. She’s watching Fuller House, Season 2 as we speak.
- To Jodi Sweetin for condemning her obviously horrendous acting.
- To Steelmike79 who doesn't think that I should apologize to Jodi Sweetin.
- To the Steelers Front Office for crediting Bud Dupree with 20 sacks against the Colts instead of 20 snaps. He probably wants a raise now because of me.
- Rev. Shaw Moore of “"Footloose” fame
- Pete Best, the forgotten Beetle
- For my exclusion of Jeff Christensen, Reggie Collier, Tom Ramsey, Bruce Mathison, David Mangrum and Scott Lindquist. Yes, you were members of the quarterback class of 1983 but your names aren’t nearly as entertaining as Babe Laufenberg, Jim Bob Taylor and Clete Casper.
- Stale dog biscuits adorned with salt
- To Club Crackers, you are just as classy as Ritz.
- For altering the opening credit sequence of “Cheers”
- For the creepy coinage of "silky number 3s”
- For my feeble attempt at a “Johnny Cochranism”
- Ray Seals
- Dire Straits
Now, on with my feeble attempt at making somebody spit Iron City on their Yancey Thigpen throwback.
- I found myself in a rare position of not sweating the outcome of Sunday's visit from the G-Men after the first quarter like I always do. Now my dad and I have this rule regarding the Steelers. It is to never, ever celebrate until there’s zeroes on the clock. You never break that rule. This Browns fan I know found that out hard in 2003 during the playoffs, my cousins (David and Vinny-both Cowboys supporters) left the 2004 Cowboys-Steelers game early and thought Dallas won and my daughter’s Godfather (a Ratbird fan) learned the hard way in the playoffs in 2011. They all called me to gloat and then suffered embarrassing defeat. Now I kept my mouth shut, but I actually felt an inner calm against the Giants. This makes me believe that if I felt confident, then maybe a corner has been turned.
- Move over Danny, Frank, Billy and the Pacific, there’s a new Ocean in town...Ronald and he has brought a new Billy with him. Yes, Antonio Brown is calling himself Ronald Ocean and he is calling his quarterback, Billy. I’m not even sure what to make of this bizarre behavior yet. His brand is safe, but Antonio is going to be Antonio and keep trying to reinvent himself. Oops sorry, it's Ronald is going to be Ronald. But seriously Antonio...err Ronald. You have a long way to go to match Clinton Portis’ alter egos of “Sheriff Gonna Getcha”, “Choo Choo”, “Dolemite Jenkins”, “Bro Sweets”, “Dolla Bill”, “Southeast Jerome”, “Coach Janky Spanky”, “"Dr. I Don't Know”, “Prime Minister Yah Mon”, “"Dr. Do Itch Big”, “Bud Fox” and “Electra”. But please, no dorky costumes. A big part of my 1980s, top 40-lovin’ dorkiness does want to see a jersey featuring “"Ocean 84”. That’s when the real Billy hit #1 with “Carribean Queen”. If Ronald and the new Billy can get the Steelers to top the NFL charts in February, then I’ll support any quirkiness from the Steelers star.
- Ladarius Green does drop the football on occasion, but he has quickly developed a rapport with Ben Roethlisberger and is becoming everything the Steelers need him to be. I was one of the impatient ones who wondered if he would ever suit up for the Steelers. Probably because there was more mystery surrounding Ladarius’ absence than the Kennedy assassination or a “Murder She Wrote” episode. But if adding Green to this colorful team with “Dirty Red” and Brown helps them strike silver and gold...It will definitely be proof that he was worth the wait and mystery solved.
- I feel like the face mask penalty accessed to Sean Davis in the Dallas debacle marked a turning point for the rookie from Maryland. Since then, he has markedly improved. Now I know I could be seen as partial to him because he’s from MD and we share the same last name (I may be the only one so far that owns both a home and away Sean Davis jersey, besides No. 28 himself), but he’s been all over the place lately In a good way. He should have had his first touchdown on a fumble recovery against Cleveland, but that was called back because of a mild Dan McCullers hand to the helmet. He notched his first pick last week against NYG and had an impressive return nullified by an Artie Burns penalty. The bottom line is that Davis is getting valuable time at safety and has seemed to have secured the starting job because of his playing a smart and tough brand of ball.
- Has James Harrison been sneaking down to St. Augustine in Florida on his days off? His amazing workout regimen has been well documented, but like Brad Pitt in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", his aging seems to be reversing. I can't seem to get my brain to picture Deebo in a beenie/propeller hat, so I'm going to attribute it to James being a throwback to another era. Only if the Steelers can muster up a Super Bowl championship this year do I see No. 92 hangin' it up.
- The Ravens are the best team left on the Steelers schedule and that's no consolation. I documented it last week in RTFABAGM, this team is even more dangerous than a wronged mistress that just happens to be in your wife's Jazzercise class. (Do they still Jazzercise? Okay, Zumba or Crossfit. Is that better? (I guess I'm stuck thinking of Jane Fonda in leg warmers on VHS or Richard Simmons sweating to Temptations songs. God, I miss the 80s!) Anyhow, Baltimore has a Gronkless Pats coming up, a reeling Eagles and a depleted Cincy team waiting in the wings. It is becoming more and more apparent that it is going to come down to Christmas Day and hopefully "Seasons Beatings" for the Rat Birds.
- I seem to have this argument with almost everybody, including my own father who I respect his opinion. However, Joe/Josephine Reader and Dad are wrong...Chris Collinsworth does not hate the Steelers. I know he played in Cincy, but I don't think he shows bias at all against Pittsburgh. You just don't like to hear any criticism against our "Black and Gold". You know who really seems to hate the Steelers...Phil Simms, Rich Gannon and Solomon Wilcotts. Those guys are more unforgiving than CC, who I think is the best analyst in any booth. Let the roasting commence.
- Randy Bullock was the equivalent of finding garlic in your pockets at a Transylvania nightclub...clutch. He was drilling like Black and Decker. Three field goals in place of an abdominally-impaired Chris Boswell was key against an 8-3 defense.
- Artie Burns could make the All-Rookie team at the cornerback position. No other rookie has more pass defenses (9) and interceptions (2) than Burns and Tavon Young of Baltimore.
- To the doubters, naysayers and my wife...Die Hard is indeed a Christmas movie. So is Lethal Weapon and Trading Places. Just because there’s f-bombs, bloodshed, dead hookers and a man in a cage being compromised by an ape, the Christmas spirit is alive and flourishing in all three cinematic masterpieces. So this holiday season, add John McClain, Roger Murtaugh, Martin Riggs and Billy Ray Valentine to your list of holiday heroes like Buddy the Elf, Clark W. Griswold, George Bailey and Ralphie Parker. But also remember for every Hans Gruber, Mr. Joshua, Randolph and Mortimer Duke, there’s a Grinch, Frank Shirley, Mr. Potter and Scut Farkas. What does this have to do with the Steelers? Nothing really. But wait, the Steelers do play on Christmas this year. So there.
- I wonder what Cornell Gowdy is doing these days.
Until next week, never forget what the real Billy Ocean once fatefully crooned, in the 1984 #1 smash, Caribbean Queen. ”Now we’re sharing the same dream and our hearts they beat us one. No more love on the run. Ooh Ooh Ooh.”
Take that for what it's worth and Go Steelers.