I have finally emerged from my Lloyd Christmas-like depression after almost a week of figuratively huddled in the fetal position in a fecal-infested stall of a service station restroom while sucking my thumb and trying desperately to find my happy place. If I'm being absolutely truthful, the Seabass that is the New England Patriots just kicked the holy crap out of our Steelers...and it sucks. So you can be assured that my black and gold mind needs a lobotomy after this one, and yes you, the reader, get to analyze the Rorshachian mess that is happening in my head.
But first, let me paint a Rembrandt of regret to, and for, the offense that was taken last time around.
- My reference to the Cable Ace and Adult Video News Awards
- My very wrong prognostication of DHB coming up big
- Anybody who loves the cinematic scare fest, "the Omen"
- Anybody that can only manufacture intimate moments if Marvin Gaye is crooning through the speakers
- The use of the term "gentleman sausage"
- My wife
- Anybody who has taken a hooker to a family wedding
- Gerbils, even though they are the Nickleback of pets.
- The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show
And now, the Random Thoughts From a Black and Gold Mind...
- Like a Dyson, losing the AFC championship to the Pats (or anybody) both sucks and blows.
- I'm boycotting Hooters. The franchise in Saugus honored the man that pulled the fire alarm at 3 a.m. at the Steelers hotel. On their sign they offer free wings to anyone named Dennis Harrison and the 25 year-old clown has already cashed in that chip. I'm not implying that the fire alarm is the reason that the Steelers lost, they did that on their own just fine. What ticks me off the most about this is that this happened to me last year in Anaheim. Around midnight, we were awoken by a fire alarm and had to carry terrified and sleepy kids down 12 flights of stairs only to find out that middle school glee clubbers were smoking in their room. Not just the Steelers, but innocent people were effected by this act of assholery. Offering free food for a criminal act is disgusting and I urge any self-respecting person to flood Hooters headquarters with emails of disgust. Ironically, the Hooters headquarters is in Atlanta.
- Dennis Harrison, I hope free wings from Hooters is the best thing that ever happens to you and I wish you to continue your life of mediocrity and I hope those wings lack flavor and give you uncomfortable gastric distress so you poop yourself on a date.
- I don't think Ben Roethlisberger is retiring any time soon. I do think he's fed up with some things and wants them remedied. I personally think that the lack of discipline, maturity and defensive game plan is making Ben wonder if it's worth sticking around. It's like when your wife tells you that she's going to leave if you don't stop drinking, carousing and gambling away your 401k on midget wrestling. Steeler brass needs to give Ben a little TLC (not the girl group, they aren't the same since Left-eye died) It's like your marriage...it's nothing that jewelry, tickets to Hamilton and German porn can't fix.
- I don't really think that the Steelers are going to trade Antonio Brown and don't want to see him go. However, I guarantee that "what if" phone calls are being made and am curious to see what the going-rate for one of the game's elite is. I also do wonder though if Mike Tomlin's "example" of great players bouncing from team-to-team was foreshadowing, and if management is fed up with the me-first antics. WWE's "Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase said it best that "Everybody's got a price."
- I’m hoping that Brown begins to understand that his brand will rocket to infinite heights with a Super Bowl ring and that the other fluff isn't necessary.
- Matt Patricia, New England's Defensive Coordinator, looks like a homeless version of Kevin James.
- The Patriots game was most definitly not too big of a stage for Javon Hargrave. J-Wobble is not quite Hamptonian or Joel Steed-ish, but he's big, fast and athletic. The future is indeed Timbuk 3-like for Hargrave. Yes, it's so bright, we all gotta wear shades.
- Roosevelt Nix has re-signed with the Steelers in a deal that was friendly for both sides. Now use him. There's no reason that he shouldn't have been leading the way on the one-foot line.
- Martavis Bryant has applied for reinstatement to the NFL. He claims to have put on ten pounds of muscle and hasn't smoked weed in eight months. (That's nothing...I haven't smoked weed in 20 years and I've gained 30 pounds in eight months. Wait. What? Muscle?...Nevermind.) The young receivers like Eli Rogers and Cobi Hamilton were key this year, but they aren't game breakers. The Patriots game was a glaring reminder that Bryant is very important to that offense. AB can't do it solo. Nobody is buying a Captain album with no Tennille.
- With Bryant's possible return and Senquez Golson hopefully debuting, the Steelers may find their arrow pointing upward for 2017. Their story is similar to the 2004 and 2005 Steelers. After losing to the Pats after 2004, the Steelers won SB XL the following year.
- If the progression of the Steelers fortunes since 2014 continues, the Steelers will be in Minnesota for Super Bowl LII. In 2014, Pittsburgh lost the Wild Card game to Baltimore. In 2015, they beat Cincinnati in the WC but lost to Denver in the Divisional game. This season, they won the DG and list the AFCCG to New England.
- I wonder what John L. Williams is doing these days.
Until next time, I quote Howard Jones (the singer, not the former Steeler) from his 1985 hit, "Things Can Only Get Better."
We're not scared to lose it all security throw through the wall
Future dreams we have to realize
A thousand skeptic hands won't keep us from the things we plan
Unless we're clinging to the things we prize
Take that for what it is worth and Go Falcons and Steelers!