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The Internal Steelers Struggle: Week 8 vs. the Lions

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Sometimes when I argue with myself about the Steelers, I get so angry at me I won’t talk to me for days afterward.

Cincinnati Bengals v Pittsburgh Steelers
Steelers CB Mike Hilton didn’t believe LB Ryan SHazier could levitate his teammates, so Shazier wowed him.
Photo by Justin Berl/Getty Images

Me (rational), Myself (nonsensical and homerrific) and I (dumber than ketchup on a Jolly Rancher) are back for their weekly chat. Today, they talk about the Steelers’ win over the Bengals, and who is the best team in the NFL. If you’ve been here before, you already know how this will turn out. If you haven’t...well...you’ll see.

Me: [Walks into room]

Myself: [Addressing I while using a pointing stick to demonstrate a detail on a video screen] If you look closely, you can see how utterly perfect his form is. Only someone who is this good at such a skill can surprise guys like that. This takes years and years of practice.

I: [Raises hand]

Myself: What’s your question, Dunce-a-roo?

I: Have you ever seen an example so good?

Myself: Never. It’s not often the camera catches one like this, and I’ve never seen an example of this quality.

Me: “Dunce-a-roo”? Does he have any idea that you’re insulting him...?

Myself: Not a chance in hades.

Me: I gotta admit, that’s a good one.

I: I like it. It sounds like “kangaroo.” They’re funny.

Myself: [Wraps an arm around I] I love this guy.

Me: So, what are you teaching him? Fire Zone Blitz?

Myself: Nope.

Me: Coverage techniques?

Myself: uh-uh.

Me: Throwing mechanics? pass-rush moves? Hand placement?

Myself: You’re getting really cold.

Me: Then what?

Myself: The art of surprise. Let’s call it...”read and react”.

Me: Show me.

Which game was better: beating the Chiefs, or beating the Bengals?

Me: That’s a tough call. The Chiefs were undefeated, but the Bengals are a rival. It’s pretty much a toss—

Myself: [Interrupts] The Bengals.

Me: Why?

Myself: It just happened.

Me: So?

Myself: I’m the homer, remember?

Me: Yeah...and?

Myself: My job is all about knee-jerk reactions.

Me: I guess that’s true.

I: Yeah. He is all about being a jerk.

Fake punt: good idea, or bad idea?

Myself: It worked, so it’s a good idea. Mike Tomlin is a genius.

Me: And if it had failed?

Myself: Fire Tomlin.

Me: You sound really familiar when you talk like that.

Myself: How so?

Me: You sound like an Internet comments section.

Which is the best team in football right now?

Myself: [Blinks]

What?

Myself: Dude.

Well...maybe Me wants to answer.

Me: Sorry...[points at Myself] I’m with stupid.

I: Hey!

Myself: [Playfully punches Me in the arm] He was talking about me.

I: So? When he acts like a homer, you get mad. “Stupid” is all I have.

Me: You’re not stupid, Little Buddy. You’re...you’re...

Myself: [Leans toward Me and says quietly] Try “moronic”.

Me: Moronic.

I: “Moronic”. [Ponders] Hmmm...I like it! That sounds fun!

Me: Oh, it is.

Myself: [Marvels] He’s like a blank canvas. If you told him asparagus tastes like cotton candy, he’d believe you — even after he tried it.

Me: [Sternly] Don’t.

Myself: [Whispers] I have to.

Me: [Quietly] Leave him alone!

Myself: If I don’t, I would cease to be me.

Me: [Hopefully] Then really don’t. Let’s test that theory!

Myself: [To I] Hey, man, do you know what moronic people do that’s so special?

I: What?

Myself: They wear their clothes inside out.

I: [Fascinated] Really? Why?

Myself: It shows off their inverted, anti-not-smartness.

I: Ooooooooh, that sounds scientific!

Me:

Face palm

Myself: Why don’t you try it out?

I: Okay! [Runs out of the room]

Myself: I know, I know. I’m a jerk. It’s just who I am.

Me: I guess it wouldn’t be the same without you, Dude.

Myself: Thanks, Bro.

Me: It would be much, much better.

So you really think the Steelers are the best team in football?

Me: I think they are on the verge of doing some really great things over the second half of the season. The Lions are a good game to end the first half on: a somewhat challenging road game, but one that is eminently winnable.

What about the Eagles, who are 6-1?

Myself: Since when did Question Guy actually become part of the conversation?

Me: Since this weekly chat became harder and harder to write.

Myself: [Stares at Me, wide-eyed]

Me: What?

Myself: I think you just became self-aware again.

Me: Give it up, dude. We played that joke to death two weeks ago.

Myself: [Shrugs, sits down and gestures at Me] Continue.

Me: [Tries to address Question Guy but, being entirely ethereal, he’s nowhere to be found] Umm...yeah, they’re really good. I just think the Pittsburgh defense is now up there with Jacksonville in their ability to take over a game. With the offense finding their identity now, I think they will break out in a big way over the second half of the season.

Of course you know I’m going to ask for predictions.

Myself: Steelers win, 24-13.

Me: [Surprised] That’s...a sane prediction.

Myself: Well, I try to be realistic.

Me: [Scoffs] You wouldn’t know reality if if jumped up and bit you on your—

Myself: Anyway.

[I returns, wearing his clothes inside-out, and his underwear outside of his pants]

Myself: [Fights laughter] Lookin’ good, Kid.

I: Thanks!

Me: [Holding back a smile] The Chewbacca underwear are a nice touch. Are those...[looks closer]...Underoos?

You look ridiculous.

I: No, I look “moronic!”

I can’t argue with that.