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Random Thoughts From a Black-and-Gold Mind: Artie, Axl, Ackbar and Acid Reflux edition

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BTSC's resident madman rants about Steelers-Bengals and passes the ravings on to you

Green Bay Packers v Pittsburgh Steelers Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images

The Steelers and Bengals renew the rivalry of unbridled disgust tonight in the Queen City. Likely without two starters in the secondary (Mike Mitchell and Joe Haden), the Steelers will be susceptible to the long ball. With Antonio Brown's toe possibly shelving him as well, my black-and-gold mind is swirling like noodles in Cincinnati chili.

So I pass the ravings on to you. But first I must offer up a hot pot of apologies for the heartburn I caused in last week's random thoughts article.

  • Hillary Banks
  • Mentioning Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle of Parks and Recreation and never including the incomparable Ron Swanson
  • Any cranky old man that complains at family get-togethers.
  • Comparing the inanities of tofurkey to Jon Harbaugh. Tofurkey didn't deserve that.
  • Adam Sandler
  • The great Dwight Stone
  • High school nerds everywhere
  • Mentioning KC Undercover. That show's dreadful.

Now, let's get our Random Thoughts From a Black-and-Gold Mind on.

  • I can't help but hearing the gruff voice of Admiral Ackbar when thinking of the MNF affair with Cincinnati coming up..."It's a trap!!!!". This game, like a cold bowl of Cincinnati chili and the new WKRP series from 1990-1992, just doesn't seem right.
  • Just how bad is the secondary without Joe Haden. It's not Van Halen/Gary Cherone bad, but it seems more exposed then 1983 Miss America Vanessa Williams in a 1984 nudie mag spread. Now is the time for Artie Burns to become Han Solo crafty and stand Chewbacca-tall. He needs to lead and succeed.
  • What's the deal with Antonio Brown's toe? The injury is considered minor, but it could still be a problem against Dre Kirkpatrick, who has shut No. 84 down like hepatitis-laced green onions shut down ChiChis in 2003.
  • Javon Hargrave is a 300-pound ninja. More physically sound than that if Chris Farley's Haru in 1997's Beverly Hills Ninja.
NFL: Minnesota Vikings at Pittsburgh Steelers Mark Konezny-USA TODAY Sports
  • I understand Mike Tomlin's comments to Tony Dungy about "the elephant in the room" comments regarding their December 17 duel with New England. Every week, fans and media have been bringing that game up incessantly. When the Colts and Pats battled in the late 2000's, everybody looked ahead for weeks then too. The problem though remains that if a loss to Cincy or Bmore occurs, it all will be blamed on these comments.
  • Speaking of Bmore, the Ravens are becoming as dangerous as your old girlfriend that secretly knows your Facebook password, ATM PIN and the location where you stash your weed.
  • PETA may not agree, but Jordan Berry sporting a Christmas Harambe sweater is funny to me. It's the fact that the Aussie Steeler kicker is just trying to get under the skin of sensitive Cincy fans.
  • The running back showdown between Joe Mixon and Le'Veon Bell should be a good one. They both run strong and catch well out of the backfield. Mixon hasn't been overly shy about his assertion that he is better than Bell. Bell remains "confused" about Mixon denying his trying to emulate him. Mixon should have emulated Bell by recording hip hop tracks and allegedly smoking weed instead of getting caught on video cracking a woman in the face in a bar in college.
Cleveland Browns v Cincinnati Bengals Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images
  • I am a thirty-year Guns-n-Roses fan, but I hate "Welcome to the Jungle" when it is blaring over the speakers of Paul Brown Stadium. The jungle they describe laced with heroin, urban anger and the price of fame seems to me to be a whole lot dangerous and daunting than anything Pac Man Jones (sorry ...it's Adam now) and Andy Dalton can do to you.
  • Vontaze Burfict can not be trusted to not try and maim Le'Veon Bell. Just like Greedo couldn't be trusted not to kill Han Solo in the cantina scene in Episode IV. Solo had a blaster hidden under the table to neutralize his crazy and green potential assasin. The Steelers need to figuratively stash weapons to do the same. Namely Rosie Nix.

And finally,

  • I wonder what Dan Turk is doing these days.

Let's delve into said jungle once more with lyrics by Axl.

Welcome to the jungle we take it day by day

If you want it you're gonna bleed but it's the price you pay

And you're a very sexy girl very hard to please

You can taste the bright lights but you won't get there for free

In the jungle welcome to the jungle

Feel my, my, my, my serpentine

I,I wanna hear you scream

Welcome to the jungle it gets worse here everyday

You learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play

If you got a hunger for what you see you'll take it eventually

You can have everything you want but you better not take it from me

In the jungle, welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na knees knees

I'm gonna watch you plead

Take that for what it's worth and Go Steelers.