The 2016 season is over and the New England Patriots just granted us the greatest Super Bowl ever played and it still sucks. Goodbye 2016 NFL. You were an entertaining year, but I'm breaking up with you for better possibilities for the Steelers. Of course, the crazy finale has my neurotic noodle working overtime and you get to enjoy the time-and-a-half of it.
But first, I need to apologize for those I may have offended last time around. So I slather my ranch dressing of regret on a salad of sorries to and for the following…
- Referencing the act of pooping one's self on a date
- The Left Eye Lopes-less TLC
- Those who enjoy German pornography and betting on midget wrestling
- Kevin James, for mentioning that Matt Patricia looks like a homeless version of him
- Ted Dibiase
- Casey Hampton and Joel Steed
- Those who don't smoke weed, but still gain a lot of weight
- Timbuk 3
- The Captain, but not Tenille
Now for random thoughts from a black and gold mind...
- Directv and Fox 53 in Pittsburgh are pointing their fingers at each other for Pittsburgh viewers not being able to see the end of the Super Bowl. Could you imagine if the Steelers would have been in the game and that would have happened? I can't fathom the depth of the hypothetical outrage. Hell hath no fury like a yinzer scorned.
- Speaking of Pittsburgh viewers and the Super Bowl, Steel City had more viewers than Atlanta and Boston areas. That's either a testament to how much Pittsburgh loves football or a large portion of the city's residents too drunk to know that the Stillers weren't in the game.
- My wife and kids enjoyed the Puppy Bowl, but I'm still completely dumbfounded by the concept of a canine version of football. I'm even more amazed at the fact that the halftime parody "Kitty Gaga" was not mauled by rescue dogs while wearing a meat suit.
- As hard as it is to give props to the Patriots and Tim Brody (not a typo), I must admit that their comeback was nothing short of incredible, spectacular and amazing. Okay, that feels pretty dirty. It's a little like complimenting Osama bin Laden for pulling off a bombing. It just feels horrendous to type. Yes, I just compared Bill Belichick and the Pats to the Tailban. I best move on.
- I never foresee the Atlanta Falcons cleansing themselves of the stench of that loss. The only other instances of better free-fallings were Tom Petty in 1989 and Patrick Swayze's in 1991's "Point Break".
- I wonder how much Mylanta was needed in Atlanta last Sunday night.
- Was Robert Kraft hammered on the podium? I haven't seen that much slurring since a campaign stop for...wait I better not get political. But Kraft was so obliterated, I expected him to stick his finger in Roger Goodell's chest, tell him off and then do a complete 180 and tell Roger, "I love you, man". But instead he passive-aggressively blasted Goodell and painted his team as innocent victims. Further cementing why America hates them.
- Major props to Deangelo Williams and James Harrison for taking to social media and blasting the NFL for Al Villanueva not winning "The Salute to Service Award". Dan Quinn's resumé of honoring our military is impressive, but so is that of the highly-decorated veteran that plays for the Steelers. The fact that Quinn was coaching in the game was probably a big factor in the honor going his way. The Steeler OT will win next year, but the solidarity and allegiance shown by his teammates is a high honor in itself,
- The Steelers need to find a way and do whatever it takes to be on the biggest stage next year, including spending money and ceasing nonsensical behavior. The window is closing on a team with high-caliber talent and I'm still imagining the possibilities of Pittsburgh's hypothetical inclusion in last week's game against Atlanta.
- Martavis Bryant has applied for reinstatement to the NFL. There is some speculation that the team may not want him back. Why not? He'd be playing for his career next season. If he plays clean and completely goes off, it's a bonus at this point. They would have to make a decision for 2018, but they would be playing with house money in 2017.
- The Steelers have been turning deaf ears on suitors for Antonio Brown. It looks like a new deal is in the works. But I hope that doesn't send the wrong message to AB. I feel like an old man typing this, but I want the 1980s back.
- The award for the most stupidest thing I've ever typed goes to this next topic. Wearefanatics.com has done a study to rank the most attractive players in the NFL. Artie Burns was tied for fifth. The Tennessee Titans may suck on the field but they were ranked first as a team in attractive players and in the stupidest ranking since Lou Bega hit #1 in 1999 with Mambo #5, Joe Flacco was slotted as the NFL's most attractive player. Well, it's official...unibrows are considered hot and I hate football and the internet now.
- I wonder what Rick Moser is doing these days.
Until next time, I beg you to ponder the significance of the poignant lyrics of John Mellencamp's "Authority Song"....
So I call up my preacher
I say: "Gimme strength for Round 5"
He said: "You don't need no strength, you need to grow up, son"
I said: "Growing up leads to growing old and then to dying,
And dying to me don't sound like all that much fun"
Take that for what it's worth and Go Steelers.