With four-fifths of the 2017 season complete and in the annals of NFL history, the Steelers are three victories away from completing their mission and hoisting the Lombardi Trophy. With that being said, my black-and-gold brain is filled to the rim with Brim. So as always, I pass the ravings onto you. But first I am obligated by the moral laws of the blogosphere to issue apologies to those I may have offended in the last edition of this piece.
So a sonnet of “sorries” to and for the following...
- Mocking the acting career of Pauly Shore
- Linking Kramer vs. Kramer with He Said, She Said, however Kevin Bacon is acting royalty.
- Drunken yinzers. I'm sure they would be well behaved at a cotillion.
- The continued and unnecessary denigration of Gary Cherone.
- The characters of television's Diff'rent Strokes.
- Faking that I actually read the teen novel On The Fence.
- Referencing Danny a Glover wearing a girdle
- Senquez Golson
- Insinuating that Mike Hilton shouldn't delve into adult cinema.
- The House Party films
And now for this week's Random Thoughts
- It's a bye week for the Pittsburgh Steelers. In the regular season, a bye week is like Christmas Day with nothing but socks under the tree, Valentines Day with no date and Earth Day while you're stuck on Mars (Since the book says men are from there...that might suck). But during the playoffs, taking two weekends off in January before traveling to work in February is ideal.
- I’m willing to bet Cam Heyward doesn't give two (uhhhhhh) bits (that's it) about not making the Pro Bowl, especially with the vindication of the higher honor of being named a first-team All Pro. The fact that the Steelers’ leader in sacks is joined by six other first-teamers is an indictment of the Pro Bowl voting system. I'm gonna get hell for this next joke, but it's like the electoral college of football.
- Todd Haley's New Year's Eve outing was even more painful and embarrassing, as was Mariah Carey at Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. At least Mariah didn't break her pelvis. Rumors that Haley, like Carey, was involved in the incident because he demanded more tea, is a downright lie.
- Mike Tomlin was the perfect leader to hold this team together with all the craziness that came with 2017. He's kind if like the Andy Travis (WKRP in Cincinnati) of the NFL. While he will probably never win the Coach of the Year award, know that Chuck Noll never did either. The true COTY holds the Lombardi over his head in a downpour of confetti in February. I think Mike would be better suited for that role.
- Like Season 2 of True Detective and the McRib and not returning to any McDonalds near me in Maryland, anything other than Patriots/Steelers in the AFC Championship Game would be a disappointment.
- Vernon Shazier's admission that his son, Ryan, has feeling in his legs is news that Steelers Nation needed to hear. I desperately want to see the Steelers win the big one this year, but I rate Ryan walking again as a higher priority.
- I'm glad to see Jon Gruden get the obscene contract from the Raiders for 100 million frogskins just so I don't have to listen him praise the great human being that is Vontaze Burfict on MNF anymore. It's like rooting for your boss to win the lottery because you don't want to risk the bad karma of wishing ill will upon them.
- The odds of Mike Munchak returning for another season in Pittsburgh and not filling a head coaching vacancy are as slim as a Kenyan marathoner defeating the Applebee's All-You-Can-Eat Riblet extravaganza.
- JuJu Smith Schuster has taken Pittsburgh by storm. The video online of him posing as a fake news reporter, John Smith, shows how engaging he is. I wonder if he would be as popular if he went by his real name...the above-mentioned John Smith.
- Speaking of John Smith, he was named Polynesian HOF player of the year. I had no idea he was of Samoan descent. Polamalu and Alualu are Polynesian surnames, but Smith-Schuster? With that name, you'd expect him to eat latkes over the holidays rather than pai fala.
- One more thing on JuJu—he could have been the first Steelers’ rookie receiver to eclipse 1,000 yards in his first year. His 917 broke the record of yards set by Jimmy Orr in 1958 with 910. JuJu did that in 14 games.
- The Steelers shouldn't fear any matchup in the playoffs this year. Respect your opponent, yes. But fear them, no. I agree with Ben and Alualu openly wanting to face Jacksonville for redemption’s sake. Competition in the postseason is supposed to be a challenge. If our team has evolved like we think they have, they'll rise to it.
- I wonder what Jerame Tuman is doing these days.
Until next time, there's one week until the Steelers quest for the Lombardi officially begins. So let's do some Barenaked Ladies...it's a band, you pervs!
Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Because I’m all about value
Bert Kaempfert’s got the mad hits
You try to match wits
You try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I’d like a stinkin, achin shake
I like vanilla, It’s the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show,
Cause then you’ll know
The Vertigo is gonna grow
Cause it’s so dangerous,
You’ll have to sign a waiver
How can I help it if I think you’re funny when you’re mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can’t understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt
It’s been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said you’re crazy
Five days since you tackled me
I’ve still got the rug burns on both my knees
It’s been three days since the afternoon
You realized it’s not my fault not a moment too soon
Yesterday you’d forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait till you say you’re sorry
Take that for what it's worth, always Shalieve and Go Steelers!