It's that time of year again when the two best teams in the NFL are one week away from participating in the greatest spectacle in the world today. I know what some of you are thinking, "The NFL Draft is next week?" No, I'm talking about Super Bowl XLIX.
And with that in mind, I'd like to bring to you my second annual Super Bowl Roast, where I poke fun at and sort of pay tribute to the Patriots, Seahawks and many other fine NFL dignitaries. If you didn't enjoy my first annual Super Bowl Roast last January, too bad.
Let's start the show.
This year's Super Bowl will be played at University of Phoenix Stadium, in Glendale, Arizona, the Cardinals home venue. After a 9-1 start, the Cardinals' promising season went down the tubes, thanks mainly to injuries to their top two quarterbacks. This proves the Super Bowl host jinx is very much alive and well.
Next season, the Super Bowl will be held in San Francisco, so Colin Kaepernick and the 49ers may be in trouble.........Actually, if Kaepernick plays in all 16 regular season games, that will prove the Super Bowl jinx is getting stronger.
I'm kidding you, Colin. Just sit there and keep telling yourself, "I REALLY DID belong in the same commercial as Drew Brees and Andrew Luck." Hey, I hear the Chiefs are looking for a backup to Alex Smith.
Anyway, glad to see Rex Ryan will be back and coaching the Bills next season. Hey Coach, still in the AFC East, huh? What, the Bears didn't call? The Raiders? Not even the Texas State Armadillos? Are you sure you don't want to kiss Bill Belichick's rings? It sure seems that you do. Is your favorite number .500? I'm sure you'll do fine in Buffalo, Coach. I look forward to that joke you always tell where you make grand Super Bowl proclamations but fail to develop a quarterback.
PS, Darrelle Revis says "hi."
Obviously, the Patriots have come under much scrutiny over the past week, as the accusations that they cheated and played last week's AFC Championship game against Indianapolis using deflated footballs have dominated the news cycle. But I don't know what the big deal is. Back in the 1970s, the Steelers played many postseason games with deflated balls......at least according to years of medical research.
Anyway, it goes without saying cheating shouldn't be a part of the game. But I will hand it to the Patriots for one thing: They've made Seattle look like a virtuous and humble franchise by comparison--that Belichick really is a genius.
I kid the Seahawks, of course, because their run of Super Bowl success has simply been marvelous. The Seahawks consecutive Super Bowl appearances are the most exciting thing to happen to the world since the time the Macarena was No. 1 on the charts for 14-straight weeks.
Anyway, poor Brandon Bostick, huh? It's OK, Brandon. Just take comfort in knowing fans usually forget about mistakes that prevent their team from making the Super Bowl.
By the way, Earnest Byner sends his regards.
Speaking of fans not forgetting stuff, Keith Butler has succeeded the legendary Dick LeBeau as the Steelers defensive coordinator, and I, for one, couldn't be happier for him.
Hey, Coach, are you familiar with this phrase: "Thank you for taking my call. Butler has got to go!"? Don't listen to the radio.......or read the papers..........or read online comments.........and you should probably get rid of your Twitter account if you have one.
I'm only joking, Coach. Just sit there and keep repeating to yourself: "Fans REALLY DO turn the page and never compare you to a legend."
I'm sure there won't be any pressure.
It was unfortunate how the Steelers 2014 season came to a crashing halt, what with the knee injury to star running back Le'Veon Bell. If only LeGarrette Blount was still on the roster, things may have played out differently. But he wasn't being a team player and had to be taught a very valuable lesson.
Evidently, part of Blount's rehab in New England is a weekly playoff bonus and all the end zone visits he wants.
Did you hear Blount will have his own cooking show this offseason? It's reportedly going to be called: "How to Take a Moldy Piece of Crap and Turn it into a Gourmet Dinner."
With Marshawn Lynch as the marquee running back in the upcoming Super Bowl, Blount apparently didn't want to play second-fiddle in the publicity department. Therefore, recalling how he was able to work his way out of Pittsburgh and wind up in the Super Bowl with the Patriots, Blount said his nickname from now on will be "Fleece Mode."
Somewhere, Bruce Gradkowski is probably saying, "Man, I should have left the Titans' game early!" Yeah, Bruce, but nobody would have noticed.
I kid Bruce, of course. He's a Pittsburgh kid and a capable backup. Also, he's probably a hero in Oakland, thanks to the come-from-behind victory at Heinz Field he helped orchestrate back in 2009 when he was a member of the Raiders. Seriously, if not for Gradkowski, s***-talking Raiders fans would have to go all the way back to about seven seconds before Super Bowl XXXVII to find something to intimidate other fans with.
Back to Blount. Somewhere, Rashard Mendenhall is saying, "See, told you that kind of stuff doesn't matter." Actually, I just made that last part up, because Mendenhall couldn't be reached for comment, since he's off fishing in some lake with Barry Foster and not giving a crap.
One more thing about LeGarrette Blount that I'd like to direct to radio personality Ron Cook and many Steelers fans: So, it's Mel Blount, but it's LeGarrette Blouwnt? It's Mel Blount, but LeGarrette Blouwnt? Just so I'm understanding this right, it's Mel Blount, but it's LeGarrette BloUWnt?
What's that all abouwnt?
Anyway, hopefully, Super Bowl XLIX will be an exciting contest that won't be influenced at all by an obscure or controversial rule......thankfully, the NFL doesn't have too many of those.
Did you hear Commissioner Roger Goodell was almost arrested last week for purse-snatching? Yeah, apparently, he was at some mall and grabbed a woman's purse right out of her hand. He was tackled immediately by security, but since he dropped the purse as he was being taken to the ground, it was determined he never had possession in the first place, so they had to let him go.
Hey, Dean Blandino, face-guarding isn't a foul in the NFL, huh? Ike Taylor has a bone to pick with you, and he'd like 80,000 yards worth of pass-interference penalties expunged from his record.
Anyway, I'm very much looking forward to Super Bowl XLIX. If the Lombardi can't come to Pittsburgh, seeing it wind up in either Seattle or New England is going to be awesome, right everyone?
Are you nuts?
This concludes my second annual Super Bowl Roast.