Finally! The kids are in bed, the wife has passed out on the couch, I have an hour of free time to kill and a six-pack of Iron City in the frigidaire. I've waited all day for this. All. Day.
Hmmm...what's new on Behind the Steel Curtain? Let's see...wait, what?! Antonio Brown wants to hold out for a better contract?! What the...oh, wait. He tweeted that he will be in training camp. "4sho." Must mean "for sure." Kids and their slang these days. Oh well, Whatevs. YOLO, n'at.
"2014 Pivotal Plays"? That crap happened last year. Why's that yahoo still stuck in the past? Onward!
Whoa! The schedule was just released! Sweet, I'll have a look and then I can impress the guys at work tomorrow with my "insider knowledge." This is better'n Christmas!
Son of a dog in heat! The Patriots again?! In week one??! I knew clicking that link was a bad idea.
Okay, the 49ers in week two, in Pittsburgh. I think they had a bunch of guys retire because they were afraid of concussions or something. Heck, I've had three already this year at the Mill, and I'm the picture of good health. Jagoffs.
The Rams are next, on the road. Eh, they're pushovers as long as Bradford is there. Since he never plays, and all. I wonder how many games he's missed...
Nick-freakin'-Foles?! BWAHAHAHAHA! Was that supposed to be an upgrade?! The guy only threw more touchdowns than interceptions in a game twice last year. Before he got benched, that is. At least Bradford does less harm. Hard to throw an interception from Injured Reserve.
Next game is...another dadgum Thursday night game against the Ravens? Three years in a row! This is a travesty! This is a conspiracy! This is...in Pittsburgh? Woohoo! A Thursday night game against the Ravens! They're goin' down this time! Jagoffs.
Ugh. The Chargers. In San Diego. Now we have to spend a week hearing how great the Chargers are, then another week hearing what's-his-name complain about being "stuck" in San Diego on a crappy team after they lose. Good thing they didn't draft Ben instead. If Philip Rivers complains about having to pass the time in San Diego, he'd never survive in Pittsburgh. Jagoff.
The Cardinals. 2008! XLIII, baby! I love me some of that Santonio Two Step -- I watch it three times a week!
The Chiefs again? Don't we play these guys, like, every year? Might as well be in the AFC North by now.
Bengals? That's a win. The Raiders? Eww. Ew, ew, ew. The last time we beat them, I think John Madden was their coach. Or something.
We'll beat the Browns. The Kardashians have less dysfunction. Heck, a variety show featuring the Kardashians, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are less dysfunctional. What a bunch of jagoffs.
#$@%! I'm done. I'm just...done. The Patriots and the Seahawks in one season? Both on the road? Roger Goodell hates this team. I bet he wrote out this schedule by hand. I bet this schedule was the first one written, and all the other 31 schedules were worked around it. How the heck do they decide who plays who each year, anyway? What a joke. I'm lookin' it up.
Crap. Darn you anyway, Roger.
The Colts in Pittsburgh two years in a row. Andrew Luck? More like Andrew Ain't-Got-No Luck. Not in The 'Burgh, at least. Ride those ponies all the way back to Indy, jagoffs!
Bengals, again. Who dey? Da losers, dat's who!
Peyton Manning. The Broncos, and Peyton-freakin'-Manning. Tom Brady, Russell Wilson, Peyton-freakin'-Manning. In one freakin' season! What next? Brett Favre? Joe Montana?! I hope we flatten the jagoffs.
The Ravens right after Christmas. Nice. That one might decide the division. It'll be nice to crush John Harbaugh's dreams again. He'll probably cry and complain about it, like he always does. I hope he does. I want to hear him cry. What a jagoff.
Aaand the Browns to finish it off. It's like having a bye week to finish the season when we close out against those jagoffs.
Screw it. Sixteen and oh! I'm calling it this year! Yinz ain't got nothin' on us!