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Generating football news during the longest offseason in pro sports

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Sometimes it is a struggle to come up with fresh angles for our readers during the longest offseason in pro sports. Introducing Offseason Writing Prompts for Sports Writers, a surefire way to keep the stories flowing when the the Patriots aren't cheating and there are no new comments about how much the rookies are learning. (Satire)

Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

A version of this post originally appeared on Crooked Scoreboard

1) James Harrison and Troy Polamalu somehow find the technology to create a baby. It is 2037 and Baby Harrison-Polamalu is entering the draft (Baby is his name). What position does he play? What team will draft him? Also describe in detail his upbringing with two football dads and the training regimen James Harrison devised for him as a child.

2) If you could give your favorite star player a superpower, what would it be? How would this superpower effect his contributions to the game? The superpower cannot involve fire-starting or weapons since those are generally prohibited in stadiums.

3) If you could substitute one of the Steelers opponent's starters with Flavor Flav, which one would it be? Why? What impact would this have on your team's strategy and the outcome of the game?

4) Pretend the Rooneys have hired Johnny Weir to design its 2015 uniforms. He has included sequins, feathers, zebra print, glitter, and removable wings. How do the second-grade girls at your local elementary school react to this news?

5) The NFL recently changed the Points After Touchdown rule (PAT). Speculate on other ways the NFL could change the way the game is scored. Use the following in your story: three hundred million, flying knee, backstroke, and inner child.

6) The Steelers struggle in the Red Zone. If all of football rules happened to be suspended for red zone play, what play would you invent to get the Black and Gold in the end zone?

7) If Roger Goodell resigns, whom would you like to see as his replacement? Why? Your choices are Benjamin Franklin, Hope Solo, John Steinbeck, LeBron James, and your eighth-grade math teacher.

8) Fans are wondering if there will be a new Sunday Night Football theme song. Speculate on new theme songs, including potential lyrics and tunes. Include at least three genres, one of which must be uncensored gangster rap.

9) Since the NFL is concerned with player health and safety, how could they implement a league-wide gluten-free, vegan nutritional program for the players? What impact would such a program have on players' skin and hair, digestive health, mood, and energy levels?

10) Should the NFL expand its Play 60 program and make it accessible to NFL players by building playgrounds at each team's training facility? Describe the ideal playground that can accommodate players as large as Alejandro Villanueva. What equipment will there be? In addition to the usual slides and swings, will you include sandboxes and tricycles? How will the strength and conditioning staff incorporate the playgrounds into their existing program?

If you are feeling creative and would like to respond to any of these prompts, email me at dani.bostick at gmail dot com or hit me up on Twitter @danibostick