It has been said that I write only sarcastic articles, and while that’s not true, I guess I can see where a reader would get an idea like that.
However, I haven’t written any lately—it’s amazing what a two-game losing streak and a torn meniscus in the left knee of the franchise quarterback will do to your sense of humor.
But given that the bye week is almost over, and we’re about to get back into some serious, serious stuff (life or death football games), I figured I’d take the time to write about how so many Steelers fans express rage on the Internet (although, I don’t know how sarcastic this is going to be since, you know, it’s true).
Let’s begin, shall we?
First off, let’s take a look at the all-caps person, because that’s quite common among enraged people commenting on any aspect of life—including the Steelers:
THE STEELERS WERE NEVER PREPARED FOR THIS GAME! MIKE TOMLIN’S TEAMS ARE JUST NEVER READY TO PLAY AGAINST INFERIOR OPPONENTS, AND THEY ALWAYS PLAY DOWN TO THE LEVEL OF COMPETITION! SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THIS!
This kind of style is usually met with someone asking the person why he or she is yelling. For years, the thought of someone typing in all-caps being considered yelling was amusing to me. But I had to take an online course in email etiquette for my new job, and it turns out that really is considered yelling. Therefore, I won’t be able to send emails like this: “STORE 17 DIDN’T HAVE THE SIGNS DISPLAYED PROPERLY.” And according to the course, if I add an exclamation point to this statement, it may be back to the unemployment line for Yours truly.
OK, let’s move on to spelling certain words in all caps to prove a point, like, say, your desire for the return of SMASHMOUTH FOOTBALL!:
The Steelers WERE ALWAYS A SMASHMOUTH TEAM! They NEED to get back to that style of play. CHAMPIONSHIPS are WON on the GROUND!
Obviously, that person really is yelling, yelling about how he or she feels regarding a return of SMASHMOUTH FOOTBALL! (I wouldn’t want to try and tackle those words in the fourth quarter.)
Of course, you can’t write an article about online rage without including run-on sentence/no commas/no punctuation person:
I’ve been a Steelers season ticket holder since 1972 and I’ve never witnessed the type of horrible performance I saw out there today Mike Tomlin didn’t have his team ready to play the running game was horrible the protection was awful for Ben he’s going to get killed before the end of the year he shouldn’t have been playing in the fourth quarter with the game out of hand the defense was atrocious the secondary needs to be addressed again in the offseason I don’t see any way this team makes the playoffs and even if it does it’s going to be one and done Kevin Colbert’s ability to evaluate talent needs to come into question the drafts lately have been terrible where are the impact players no studs just average players
Then, there’s spelling everything wrong/incoherent fan:
Were was the defense? Ben Mettenburger always threw interceptions in the forth quarterback. Hes the worse quarterback in cutch situtions.
The aforementioned examples are pretty common, but this next one, well, it’s pretty rare:
The Steelers Weren’t Even Close To Being Ready To Play Today’s Game. Todd Haley’s Game Plan Left A Lot To Be Desired. Keith Butler Can ‘t Generate A Pass Rush. Mike Tomlin Needs To Be Fired ASAP. I Don’t Think I Will Watch Another Game This Year. I Predict A 5-11 Season.
Did you see what I did there? The first letter of every word is capitalized. I gotta tell ya, that’s pretty impressive.
Yeah, but how about this next one:
Godell. Hates. The. Steelers. He’s. Always. Been. Out. To. Get. Them. And. He. Wants. Them. To. Lose.
I admit, the whole period after every word thing is pretty out there, and I may have actually made it up (although, I’m certain I’ve seen it at least once).
Finally, let’s take a look at the person who just has to swear for some reason, but since, for example, BTSC frowns upon such behavior, he or she must be creative:
The Steelers played like shyt today! They fukkin blow! I’m tired of watching Lawrence Timmons get knocked on his azzzzz on sweeps to his side! He needs to wake the phuq up!
I mean, seriously, why do that?
OK, thinking about that up coming Ravens game this Sunday REALLY HAS ME PHUQIN FIRED UP and it’s TIME I STOP FOOLING AROUND WITH THIS KIND OF SARCASTIC STUFF BEFORE I MAKE THE RONG PERSON ANGRY. Let’s. Go. Steelers!