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Snarking Around the NFL: Week 4

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If you thought the 2017 NFL season couldn’t get any stranger, think again.

Pittsburgh Steelers v Baltimore Ravens Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images

Just when you thought the 2017 season was as crazy as it could get, I give you Exhibit Four — as in Week 4. The 2016 NFC Champions just lost — at home — to the Buffalo Bills. The New England Patriots are 1-2 at home after falling to the Carolina Panthers. The New York Giants couldn’t buy a win if they were being sold on the clearance rack at K-Mart. And the state of Ohio got it’s first win of the season.

Okay, that’s almost cheating, since the Bengals and the Browns played each other. Still, I wouldn’t have been surprised if, during the coin toss, the coin somehow landed on its side, and everyone stood around paralyzed in confusion until the league declared a mutual forfeit.

Even that wouldn’t have made this season any stranger than it already is.

Countdown List of the Week: Teams Dennis Green would have been wrong about — they are NOT who we thought they were

3) New England Patriots

Sure, their offense can still score 30 points most weeks. But their defense couldn’t stop a fart with a whole bottle of Gas-X and rubber shorts. They’re currently allowing nearly 460 yards per game—for crying out loud—and they’re giving out third-down conversions like Oprah gave away gifts. You get a conversion! You get a conversion! Everyone gets a conversion! They moved D’onta Hightower from inside linebacker to outside linebacker, where I’m pretty sure he got lost along the way.

2) Buffalo Bills

We are now a full quarter of the way through the NFL season. Raise your hand if you thought Tyrod Taylor and the Bills not only would be 3-1, but also leading the AFC East. Tyrod, put your dad-gum hand down and stop lying.

1) Los Angeles Rams

According to the attendance at Chargers games, it’s clear that 1) Los Angeles only has room for one team, and 2) they did not choose the Chargers. That’s good because, if they had, they’d be missing out on one of the most remarkable stories in the NFL this year. As a rookie, 2016 No. 1 overall draft pick Jared Goff couldn’t have gotten on the field as the ball boy. In 2017, though, he’s leading the highest-scoring offense in the NFL, and he looks fully in command doing it. Running back Todd Gurley looks like he did as a rookie — which is, in this case, the rare compliment. Will it last? Heck no. So far, they’ve beaten Indianapolis and San Francisco. But from what they’ve shown, 9-7 isn’t out of the question at all this year. They’re a season away from truly contending. That’s okay, it takes time.

Meme Tweets of the Week

Big Brother is hurting you.

Why do you hate quality football, Illuminati? Why?

This is the only way I can get Ryu, JuJu, Hadouken, Goku and Kamehameha in the same sentence and it not be gibberish.

For those of us in the United States born before 1985, that move JuJu Smith-Schuster did to celebrate his second-career touchdown was totally right out of Street Fighter II, and was called a “Hadouken”. Apparently, us old farts (I seriously used that word twice in one article after making a concerted effort to avoid using it in print for 17 years) are just flat-out wrong. It was from Dragon Ball Z, and some guy named Goku. There isn’t enough snark in the world to make the fact that I spent an entire paragraph discussing this topic any more ridiculous than it already is, entirely on its own.

I’d recommend Mike Glennon not quit his day job to become a punter, but it might be a step up right now.

Well, yeah, it’s easy to beat the Bears when their quarterback is pooch-punting it to you from your 29-yard line. By accident.

Where was this Mike Glennon last week?? One week, he’s firing a perfectly placed rocket to tight end Zach Miller along the left seam while under pressure, and a week later he’s kung-fu fighting an imaginary enemy he thinks is cleverly disguised as an NFL-spec football.

Undefeated Teams Watch

You could make a solid argument that the only reason we have one undefeated team left in the league, instead of zero, is because Redskins cornerback Josh Norman went down in the second quarter of Monday night’s game against the Chiefs with a rib injury. That argument would hold water, considering the play that made the win possible for the Chiefs was a deep ball that may not have happened with Norman on the field. There’s no guarantee, though. What is true is that the previously undefeated Atlanta Falcons lost to the Bills, leaving the Chiefs all alone. So, all we can say is that, in a two-week stretch, we went from 10 undefeated teams to one. I don’t care how you slice it, that’s re-donk-u-lous.

Congrats to the Chiefs on winning, despite one of the crazier endings in recent memory, too. Two field goals and a touchdown in the final minute? Yikes.

Random Thoughts

  • Not even the Burfict Karma Effect is enough to make the Bengals bad enough to lose to the Browns. Cleveland is regressing as the season goes on. Hue Jackson may be shown the door after this season — if he makes it that far. The one department that’s always in top form in the Browns organization is Human Resources.
  • Speaking of the Bengals, linebacker Carl Lawson took “smashmouth” to Jack Lambert levels, breaking off two teeth in Sunday’s drubbing of Cleveland. It has to be said that Lawson has not been in the habit of wearing a mouthguard; he vows to change that now.
  • Broncos running back C.J. Anderson had the hard-luck story of the week: his own mother refused to root for him, because he was playing against the Oakland Raiders, where she raised Anderson. That’s cold, Ms. C.J.’s-Mom. Cold.

And, Finally...

I’m going to stray completely away from football this week. That’s because, at last count, nearly 60 lives have been extinguished by one man whose motives remain unclear. There’s a lot of misinformation and confusing details floating around. Right now, I’d simply like to ask you all to join me in remembering those lost, and praying (if you’re so inclined) for the injured, as well as for the families of all the victims. Let’s all take a step back to let law enforcement do their jobs, and not point fingers and politicize this. There will be plenty of time in the aftermath for that.

For now, let’s simply respect those who have to find a way through this tragedy, and show them that America isn’t so deeply divided that we can’t stand alongside the grieving to support them in their hour of need.