The 2017 NFL season just concluded, punting all football fans into the worst time of the year: The NFL offseason.
Since about the age of seven, not having football to watch for long stretches of time has been my least favorite part of being a sports fan.
But while not having football to watch might require a long period of withdrawal, imagine not having football to not watch.
This is the plight of your average NFL boycotter—at least until the 2018 NFL campaign kicks off seven months from now.
Yes, it became pretty clear during the 2017 NFL season that in addition to football, baseball, basketball and hockey, we now have a new and growing pastime in our country: boycotting stuff....but especially the NFL.
I certainly enjoyed seeing the passion exhibited every Sunday by those boycotters, as they reminded anyone who would give them their time that they were finished with the NFL—"I haven't watched a game since September 17 at 1:03 p.m."—and how they were now spending their free time doing other stuff like laundry and, apparently, making those memes of the NFL logo with an "x" or circle and slash covering it.
Anyway, as I alluded to earlier, the NFL offseason has to be as difficult to get through for NFL boycotters as it is for die-hard fans.
So with that in mind, I have a list of things NFL boycotters can boycott until they have football to not watch again.
Those beautiful women that send you Facebook friend requests, even though you have no Earthly idea who they are
Sure, you have no Earthly idea who this woman is, and you don't have any mutual friends—also, the fact that she has four friends, total, is quite suspicious—yet, you go ahead and accept her request, anyway, on the off chance she's a friend of a friend from spinning who thinks you're really handsome and will want to date you.
Sadly, you soon find out she's likely one of those bots, and you unfriend her—the whole process robbing you of five minutes you'll never get back.
Anyway, if you can boycott these hot bots and diminish their effectiveness on lonely singles such as me, I sure would appreciate it.
Mock drafts, or rather the people who overreact to every single one
Hey, I got no problem with the billions upon billions of mock drafts I see every week. Like me, these fellow writers are trying to get through the offseason, they likely have a quota to fill, and hey, you can never go wrong with mock drafts.
But those people that overreact to these mock drafts, as if they're set in stone? Come on.
"A guard in the first round! IS THIS GUY SMOKING CRACK!?!?"
No, he's probably just losing it a little, because the real draft is two months away, and he's already on Mock Draft 400.0. He's not Kevin Colbert or Mike Tomlin, and he has no real power.
NFL boycotter, if you can do something to stem that tide this spring, I will shake your hand.
"27 Secrets from the Set of Happy Days the Producers Didn't Want you to Know"
You've seen these lists on Facebook, and if you're anything like me, you get sucked in... Every. Single. Time. Only problem is, before you can get through the first 10, a pop-up invades your smartphone, informing you you've just won a great prize from Amazon (that is, if you don't get one informing you your phone has 89 viruses).
Damn it, what the heck was Potsie's secret? After all, his picture is what drew me into this long list in the first place! Like an idiot, you try a few more times to make it through this list, but to no avail.
NFL boycotter, if you can use your power to decrease the frequency of these lists by like eight percent, I will be forever grateful.
The inspirational quotes Twitter dude
You know who I'm talking about. Some guy follows you on Twitter, so you follow him back, thinking he's some cat that just wants to dish about the Steelers or the NFL. Unfortunately, you immediately discover he's just some quote dude, who does nothing but Tweet things like, "Live each day as if it's your last" every five minutes.
He's likely a bot, but you don't unfollow him, on the off chance someone will think you're one of those guys who is too good to follow people.
If you can boycott me until I'm forced to unfollow all of these inspirational quote dudes on Twitter, you'd be doing me a favor.
"Tomlin won with Cowher's players!"
Obviously, this criticism of Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin—that he won a championship with Bill Cowher's players—is the Mona Lisa of criticisms of Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin, and has been around since about two seconds after he touched the Sticky Lombardi following Pittsburgh's thrilling 27-23 victory over the Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII.
I can't believe I still have conversations with fans who say stuff like this, some 12 years after Tomlin was named head coach. Therefore, if you can boycott these people or, better yet, get them to join your movement (something that I don't think would be very hard to do), you sure would make being a Steelers fan great again.
Those who don't know the difference between lose and loose
I've been writing about sports for nearly a decade, and I'm still amazed so many people don't know the difference between lose and loose. I've seen actual sportswriters use "loose" in headlines that had nothing to do with shaking stuff free.
Anyway, if you can boycott educational powerhouses such as Sesame Street and LeapFrog, you might make a difference in someone's life.
Use your influence. Call people. Go on websites and say things like, "I've been a Sesame Street fan for years, but now that I know so many people can't tell the difference between lose and loose, I will no longer sing along when 'One of these things is not like the other' is playing!"
Those who now say Spygate really didn't matter for the Patriots
Can you believe this is a thing now? Ten years ago, when the NFL quickly destroyed all the evidence the Patriots had lying around their team headquarters, fined the coach like a half million dollars and took a number one draft pick away, I never thought I'd see the day when any reasonable football fan—or even a Patriots fan—would say Spygate really wasn't a big deal.
But in 2017—even as NFL officials were robbing receivers of receptions week after week to the Patriots benefit, and it looked like they were on their way to their sixth title—their fans were coming out of the woodwork and disputing the importance of Spygate.
What's next, is the president of Hertz going to say, "All that stuff with O.J. happened years ago."?
Anyway, if you never watch another Patriots game again, I think you'll make a lot of new friends, Mr. or Mrs. boycotter.
Steelers fans that will complain about the 2018 schedule the moment it's announced in April
If the Steelers 2018 schedule is anything like the ones from 2016 and 2017, they will likely have to play on Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and probably even the Fourth of July.
For whatever reason, this will spawn many complaints from Steelers fans—as if they will be doing anything on any of those holidays, besides eating and drinking.....a lot.
Anyway, if you can find a way to decrease those complaints by like eight percent, I will buy you a beer.
I don't know what it is about Route 28, but everyone wants to merge onto it. Whether I'm on the Fort Pitt Bridge or just coming off the Fort Duquesne Bridge, I have to deal with people trying to merge onto that road from like five lanes away. And these drivers, they think they're slick, too. They get in the adjacent lane and drive very slowly in front of you until they find a small sliver for merging. You're right behind them, thinking their slow butts will finally be out of your way. Nope! They can't fully merge and just sit there, in front of you, not giving a darn that they're holding you up.
NFL boycotters, please, do me a favor and boycott Route 28. If your movement is growing as fast as you say it is, like eight percent of the vehicles will be off the roads each morning, and I can get to work much faster.
There you have it, NFL boycotters, a list of things you can boycott until you have football to not watch again this fall.